I remember as a first time mom how much I questioned so much about the health and safety of our son. His first fall, I held him in my arms and cried with him…and cried some more even after he had stopped, whispering over and over, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry”.
Parents in general are very proud of their children and some also like to boast…”Oh, he said his first word at “blank”…or “Oh, your son still doesn’t have teeth? Mine has five already.” Most times, you try to shrug it off but once you get home you take out Dr. Spock or any other paediatric bible you have for reassurance.
I remember our paediatrician, who was a teacher at McGill and the Head of paediatrics at the Jewish General Hospital would take phone calls from worried moms every morning from 7:30 am to 8:00am. What a godsend! Once he replied to my question that our son’s teeth would be stronger if they come in later. Hmm, well, that reassured me. I tried not to boast too much except with my mom, of course. As a nana though I don’t hold back…grandparents have brag rights…it is WRITTEN…somewhere…:)
Today, it is May 15th and the lawns and landscapes are still quite bare. At least it is not snowing but it would be so nice to start having some greenery on those trees. I am not even asking for flowers…just leaves! But I must have patience and embrace the tiny signs of growth…
limbs in wait
blossoms spreading slowly
late bloomers growing stronger
bringing hope to the world
Il semble approprié de placer mon beau bouquet de fleurs que mon fils et ma belle fille m’ont donné pour la fête des mères dans ma chambre juste à côté de la chaise de ma mère.Ce soir, je vais m’asseoir tranquillement en me bercant sur sa chaise et sentir sa présence.
se souvenir ce rire contagieux parfum de Givenchy pincement passionné des joues chuchoter, “Je t’aime ma chérie”
It seems fitting to place my beautiful bouquet of flowers my son and daughter gave me for Mother’s Day in my room right next to my mom’s chair. Tonight, I will sit quietly rocking in her chair feeling her presence.
that infectious laugh
scent of Givenchy
passionately pinching cheeks
whispering, “Love you darling”
Last day of my three day work week and not too soon. Struggling to sleep at night when the rest of the building seems to sleep late…a neighbour that walks with heavy feet anytime from midnight to three in the morning makes for a short night. I am sure she does not realize this and since I am a new owner here, I have not had a chance to meet anyone except for the owner downstairs, who I have told to bang on the ceiling anytime if I am too noisy or the music or tele is too loud.
I am such a light sleeper so even if I go to bed at 8 or 9 which I did last night, I woke up with a start at midnight and struggled to get back to sleep hours later. Ear plugs do not seem to muffle the vibration of a person banging a closet door or plodding . I’ve chosen to sleep with my earbuds listening to music with the volume low and yet…
floating on an astral plane
rumbling clouds shudder
from the third floor
Snow greeted me this morning on my patio as a mid-spring scenery.
snow on our lawns
so much for Mother Earth
giving us the finger
I took a nice bubble bath before my shift and watched a few short videos celebrating Earth Day.
The morning was not too bad but during lunch, I couldn’t help but check on the news to hear updates and that can get me nervous and frustrated. Lately, I notice a bubbling impatience inside my chest. Our province is still rising…over half of the country’s stats. How can you ever get used to hearing about deaths? Two friends told me this week they lost a relative…reality sucks! Whether it is 1 or 100 (which is nothing compared to Europe, I know and I can only imagine how scary it must be too…but still a life multiplied by xxxx is always too much.
My calls were more frenzied in the afternoon and it took a lot for me to concentrate…trying to ignore the simmering storm.
sadness and angst
listening to their suffering
licking salty lips
Ah if only I could disconnect like my feline friends. I hear one snore softly. I felt pumped when I first woke up and seeing the sunny skies. The sun was so warm, the bedroom temperatures went up I had to open the windows. And then I watched the news…
bursts of energy
sun beams through my window
menacing those light blue skies
riding the roller coaster
little engine doubts
I think I can, I know I can
because I have a plan
there is no shame
in reaching out
call out their name
a face smiling back at me
YOU, inside my screen!
Feeling pumped again after a nice video chat with my son and daugther in law…yes, I definitely can get through these times.
On my way to work yesterday at 6:30 A.M. I could not help but notice the sky. Of course it was still dark but my eye was drawn to that gorgeous thin slice of a moon.
Mischievous wink In the predawn sky one swift brush stroke
Like a message in a bottle My precious crescent moon
And then to make the day even more perfect, I see my daughter on the bus with her partner. Working evenings for the past 10 years, I have missed so much! What a way to start my day seeing my beautiful princess and my son in law. That added a little skip and a jump to my walk from the Métro to the office, alright!
early morning shift a bounce in each step a mother’s heart swells
Finally! She sits motionless to savour the moment exhaling slowly…relief, at last. The night was long waking up to hammers in her head. Finally by the end of the day, knockers slowly left, one by one.
She remembers reading that heroin users are often looking for that high…reaching nirvana. She read that there were many ways to reach this ultimate summit of pure bliss. She was a bit shocked when a monk listed orgasm on his list of “highs” but thinking about it now, that did make sense along with reaching spiritual enlightenment.
Demerol was another drug that brought some to nirvana after hours of labour in childbirth. Her grandmother was a midwife and many mothers would ask for a second “shot”…she smiles at the memory of her grandmother telling her birth stories.
It must be like this for people who use opiates for painkillers as well, she ponders. She always steered away from that because she knew how easily one gets addicted. Her doctor once prescribed a procedure that would relieve her of her neck pain for about one month. It was very costly but it was not the cost that turned her off. She lives with chronic pain day and night. For the past three decades it has married her by now. To separate the pain only briefly, might be a relief…even heaven but hell would surely await after the effects wore off. No, she thought, that would be worse. She preferred to endure the soft murmurs of her partner who drummed on joints and bones and off and on would invite his knockers for a poker game in her head and neck. But when that game ended, guests left one by one…the relief swaddled her…the other joints dulled in comparison to that last performance…a concert of sheer hell.
Right now, at this very moment, she is drunk with this relief she calls, her nirvana.