summoning reverie ~ troibun Daily Moments Dec 1, 2018



message 
in my dream 
alerting me 
 
message 
urgency 
life and death 

in my dream 
you slept next to me 
then awakened me 
 
alerting me 
over and over again 
then I knew 
 

November 30th, 2014 I dreamed the same dream three times.  It was scary but you were there with me in my bed, trying to save a child from death.  

I forced myself awake for it scared me so…then slipped back into slumber and the same scene appeared two more times. And so, at four in the morning, on December 1st, I waited until dawn to call the nursing home.  I knew there had to be something wrong…no one had warned me. Not one relative had called me but I knew because you came to me and I knew you wanted me by your side. 

The nurse at the nursing home said softly “Come quick, she does not have much longer.”  The taxi took so long to get there or maybe I just wished he could have gone over the speed limit.  But an hour later, I was by your side all day and  all night until passed midnight…you raised your head slightly and turned towards me, taking your last breath.  


Blessed I am 
you could not speak 
you found a way 
 
blessed I am 
to be  
by your side 
 
you could not speak 
but acted out your plea 
in my sleep 
 
you found a way 
with the grace of God 
to summon me.   
 
© Tournesol ‘18-12-01 

Daily Moments December 1 2018  Summoning reveries   Troibun

Visitation  ( haibun ) 

 It was late one night in December 2014.  Christmas was a few weeks away.  She turned off the sounds of Christmas carols since it felt blasphemy to hear lyrics of “comfort and joy”.   She streamed movies to escape her thoughts when writing was too painful. But in the wee hours of the morning, she would lower the sound so her neighbours could sleep through the night.  “Lucky them,”she often thought.  How she wished she could turn off her brain and sleep.  What a world would be for her to fill her mind with “nothingness”.   

She sat in her lazyboy looking out the window at the snow falling.  Each snowflake different from the other.  How amazing is that? she wondered.  And then she heard her coffee maker making spits and spats.  It was three in the morning.  What the heck is going on? 

She got up and unplugged her coffee maker and said aloud, “Okay, Mom, that was weird.  How the heck did you do that?”   She sat in the old antique chair in the kitchen and felt a presence…her presence.  A cool breeze was blowing her way and she closed her eyes and thought in her mind, “It’s okay, Mom, I’m not scared.  How I miss your hugs!” Tears streaming down her cheeks she felt a coldness pass through her entire body slowly.  How amazing is that?!  Her mother was able to communicate her unconditional love to her even from the afterlife.  Was it her spirit?  Was it her phantom?  Whatever it was, it appeased her knowing her mother was still sticking around for her before travelling in other mysterious spheres.   

breathing
frigid air through her chest
touched by an angel

(c) Tournesol’18-11-03

Her mother passed December 2nd, 2014

Bodily functions (SoCS)

A chat about bodily functions is our prompt today at Linda Hill’s SoCS, which brought to mind a funny story.  When my daughter was pregnant in 2004, I was starting menopause.  We would go shopping together and suddenly she would let out gas and then move aisle very quickly whispering to me why. We would giggle because I was starting the same problem.  So here we were at both ends of the spectrum of womanhood, farting away at our leisure and not caring at all.  Is fart a bad word, by the way?  I am part French, so we are bit more open about our language and translated in English may sound rude, so I apologize if that is not easy to read.

On to another memory with my daughter again seeing her singing in The South Shore Children’s Chorus.  The choir would sing songs from Les Miserable and they sounded so beautiful that I could not hold back my tears.  At the end of the show, she came up to me, tight lipped and squinting eyes, asking why I was crying!  I tried to explain to her that when Mommy is overwhelmed with beauty, I am moved to tears.  Well! this 10-year-old was having nothing of it.  On future presentations, I sat further away so she would not see me weep of joy.  What can I say?  I cry when I am happy, moved, tired of pain and sad.

Now lastly, since I have been struggling so much over the years and even more so in the past two years, my joint pain is something I dream of finding relief EVEN if it were for once a week. Once a week not having the pain wake me up when I roll over. Once a week when I get up, I don’t feel knives jabbing in my knees.  For over thirty years I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis of my neck along with Fibromyalgia. Finally, I found a rheumatologist who found I had rheumatism on my collar bones (hence why my shoulders hurt so much and is not because I type too much), a mix of osteoarthritis, arthritis and rheumatism made me sigh with relief because those conditions are considered more real than Fibromyalgia (in society and the medical field).   The sad part is my GP does not want to treat me, just suggests I retire which has no way of making my body feel better and I am waiting for a new rheumatologist since the other one moved.

But, on a good note, I am hopeful.  Last May I went to Vancouver, BC. where cannabis is sold in many shops and purchased a jar of MJ cream to see if that might relieve the pain. It did nothing but  a tiny tingle on my neck, nothing on my knees or shoulders.   So, when I came back to Montreal, I asked my GP if she would consider giving me a prescription for cannabis.  That was June 20th and I only received a response from one dispensary in response to my request for membership along with my doctor’s prescription.  They certainly took their time.  But I want to try different things to find some relief. When I say try something, I certainly am not interested in the THC high however I realize in some of the teas or creams have to have a little bit.  Well, we shall see when I drop by sometime this week to check out Club Compassion.  Wish me luck!

(c) Cheryl-Lynn Roberts

 

Written for the Friday Prompt for Saturday’s Stream of Consciousness.

Dear Emma, and a Cherita

Dear Emma,

When I was a child, I remember picking up my bellbottom pants at the dressmaker one time. In the early 60’s I could not find any kind of long pants or jeans that were long enough and slim enough. In those days, Marilyn Monroe was the fashionable shape. Although Twiggy was slowly becoming a trend, in my part of the world, it was still more common for women to be shorter and curvier. Alas, I was pretty much a straight line more like Olive Oil at between twelve and fourteen.

Another client was just leaving the dressmaker as I was entering and she asked me how my mother and grandmother were doing. Of course, I shared the latest updates on my newly divorced mother and lifesaver grandmother who had taken us in not realizing I may have been a bit too open. Being naïve, then, was just assuming that people always inquired about you because they cared.

I remember trying on the charcoal grey bellbottoms and was so excited they fit like a glove and were long enough to wear with a boot or higher healed show. That was the beauty of tailor made clothes. Fortunately, her fees were very reasonable and in fact, less expensive than going to a designer shop to purchase clothes.

As I was leaving, the dressmaker looked at me seriously and said, “You must be careful. You are such an open book and you never know the true intentions of people when inquiring about you and your family.” I could tell she was concerned for me and I always tried to remember her wise words, but still, it is still difficult for me to think anyone would want to hurt me intentionally. And so years went by and I learned the hard way. I find learning through life experience teaches more, don’t you? What have you learned better through experience rather than through teachings of another person?

( a cherita)

a child runs freely through the woods

Stumbling on hidden roots and branches
Scraping arms and knees along the way

Fastforward several decades
Walking through the woods, listening to the birds singing
Leaves rustling, she leans on her walking stick

© Cheryl-Lynn ‘18/09/06

Daily Moments with Emma – August 9th, 2018

mile high ride (haibun)

Sitting in the back of the plane, they held tight during take off. As soon as the light went on to unbuckle the seat-belt, they both lit up their Mark Ten cigarettes. It was 1977 and people could still smoke in the back rows of a plane in those days.

It was their first trip overseas. Heck, it was their first time in a plane. They had booked a tour of England, Scotland and Wales for two weeks. The wife’s ulterior motive was to conceive their first child in the UK, the birthplace of her paternal grandparents.

After a few hours, the plane felt like it was going over pot holes on Quebec roads. The couple were scared and did not realize that turbulence can do that but does not mean there was any danger. The woman seated next to them on the aisle tried to reassure the couple who looked out the window with doe eyes. One could not mistake it was their very trip in the air.

By the time they arrived at Heathrow Airport, they were so relieved they had landed! They still had to take the train into London, then a taxi to their hotel. They were staying at the Green Park Hotel just across the park that brings you to Buckingham Palace. But they didn’t know that yet.

They looked like typical tourists walking on the streets of London, hesitating crossing the the street, not knowing which side to look in their matching bright yellow and green hoodies.

Cotton candy ride
Bumper cars, roller-coasters
Crossing overseas

© Tournesol ‘18/09/06

Daily Moments July 28 2018 Ebony hair [haibun]

 

Image may contain: flower, plant and nature
(c) Clr ’18

Daily Moments ebony hair Haibun

She passes flowers that remind her of a dear friend. Her friend’s family home used to be next door and tall flowers surrounded their swimming pool. She takes a few steps back to admire the flowers in this stranger’s garden, reminiscing of the happiest times when her children were little.

She notices a daisy set apart from the other lilac petals. Hmmm, she thought. “Daisies are my favourite flowers. I wonder if this is a sign that my friend is also thinking of me today.” That thought puts a smile on her face.

Continuing on her way to work, she keeps this reverie in her mind’s eye. She can hear the giggles, splashing and see herself sitting on the patio with her friend with a cuppa and a ciggie. Good times…good times.

Delicate petals
Bring her back in time
When her friend was here

Delicate petals
Around the swimming pool
Getting splashed

delicate petals
Children diving and giggling
Her friend was still here

Pale fragile petals
Contrast her ebony hair
Her friend’s warm smile

© Tournesol ’18/07/28

Daily Moments – ebony hair (senryu)

Dear Emma IV – BC to Seattle by bus (Haibun)

June 1st ALREADY!!

 

After a delicious veggie skillet breakfast at the Pacific Inn (oh la la, what a place!) I went outside to wait for my bus. This is the last stop the bus makes before crossing the US border which is 2 minutes away.

The driver asked the commuters, “Okay, this is my last time asking this. Do you have any fruits, vegetables or any fooooood!” He emphasized on the “food” part, I wondered about my delicious aged cheddar in my suitcase with crackers. Oh, dear!! What to do?! I did not want to throw it away since I had not even opened the packages. I saved it for moments in the hotel room at the Bellevue Hilton and if I got the munchies (which I always do at night), I would have this. Time is awaiting, I pondered and did not speak up. What the heck, it is no big deal, right?

As we approached the border and got off the bus, the driver told us we had to see the Agriculture inspector and they would X-ray our luggage. “Oh dear!!” I wondered if they could prevent me from going on my trip since they will surely see on X-ray my munchies!! What to do?!!

Everyone’s luggage was unloaded and we each had to enter the customs office one by one with our little piece of paper declaring we did not have anything dangerous or any food!!!! No seeds, especially not any Ginseng…according to the driver, we have to have a permit to carry Ginseng across the border. Really?! Wow!! Good thing I did not have my MJ Pain cream on me eh? Well, I knew I could not have that but I did not think that cheese and crackers were a big deal.

About 10 people were ahead of me. I kept contemplating. I cannot tell a lie without looking guilty and turning red with lips quivering. Oh dear!! I pass to see the first officer or agent, whatever their title is, they are BIG and IMPORTANT when one must cross the border! He certainly did not smile [I wonder if they practice looking bored and mean]…

Officer: Where are you going?

Me: Seattle, staying at Hilton Bellevue, Bellevue, Wa.

Officer: What is the purpose of your visit?

Me: Going on a retreat.

Officer: What kind of retreat?

I was thinking I should not make any jokes about it being a seniors’ nudist retreat. Perhaps that is not a very good idea. I was thinking of asking Amma for guidance but certainly asking her to protect me if I LIE!! was out of the question!

Me: Um…my guru from India is visiting Seattle this weekend.

Officer: [grunts, lowers his head]. Okay…(he hands me back my passport)

I am sort of relieved but I still had to get past the agriculture inspector

Me: [I can’t take this any longer! I am coming clean!] I do have crackers and cheese in my luggage.

Agri. Female
Agent: That’s just fine, and what a perfect snack on your ride over to Seattle

Me: [sigh of relief…it does pay to be honest…I can’t help smiling.]

I was standing outside the bus waiting for the other commuters to get on and chatted with this gentleman who is from Seattle and was visiting his mother in Richmond, B.C. We got to talking about housing and how the market has really gone up in places like Toronto. I told him my friend in Mississauga was asking $325,000 for her townhouse and she got $625,000 instead. It was a bidding war out there. I sort of wished I had sold my condo in Toronto later before moving back to Montreal. He asks me, “Why would anyone want to move back to Montreal?” I was not too sure how to answer for it was difficult to know what his unspoken reasoning was. I just said, I am from Quebec, born and raised. He said, “But it’s sooooo cold there”. I had not thought of mentioning that today it was 28C in Montreal and it was 14 here in White Rock and Seattle. However, I knew he was referring to our winters. I could tell how we are used to cooler weather as there were several people walking along the beach path I walked this week with ski jackets, whereas I had my sweater wrapped around my waist walking along in my short sleeved shirt.

Okay, now we have boarded the bus and it only delayed us 30 minutes. Hmmm, I must factor that in the next time I travel. We may whine when we go through customs but I sure feel safer knowing security checks all our luggage though.

 

Two hours later, we had arrived in Seattle and the skies were slowly clearing up. I took a Lyft to the hotel and chilled all afternoon in my King Size bed. I really did not want to walk too much today but, for some reason, I thought we were at the same hotel as last year but I circling the hotel and could not recognize any streets.

I finally checked Cheesecake Factory on Google Map and was surprised and disappointed that it was 2 km away…Oh well, up the hill I went and finally turning onto another street, I recognized where I was. I got accosted by a vegan extremist for a few minutes but finally got in the restaurant.

There were more than a dozen patrons waiting in line to get a table. I asked the Maître D if there was too long a wait…nope, not if I am alone and I only waited fifteen minutes. I love travelling alone! I was seated at almost 9 PM.

My intention was to have a salad then gorge into a savoury cheesecake but the Thai coconut chicken looked so good and I did not have dessert but I did have bread. I think I appreciate it more when I hardly eat it. It was getting too dark to walk all the way back so I called Lyft and the ride only cost $3.00. On Google Map the rates are listed for both Uber and Lyft and Uber is a lot more expensive. Interesting!

Being honest
Always pays – and,
Lowers blood pressure

(C) Tournesol ‘18/06/01. Daily Moments

Dear Emma, May 21/18 ( haibun)

(c) clr’18

Dear Emma,

I finally got off my fanny and went out to do a few errands today. After three days of resting, icing several parts of my body, it was time to move or else it will be worse for me. I found 5 fun exercises to strengthen my calves, knees and thighs. I did a few today but have to check that video since I don’t know them by heart yet.

I walked to my pharmacie first but when I approached and noticed not ONE car in the parking lot, I realized that it is a holiday today. But of course [she slips her forehead with her hand] it is la Fete des Patriotes or for outside of Quebec it is May 24 or Victoria weekend. Regardless on what you want to call it, it is the first long weekend where many people drive out to cottage country. Some go camping and I remember in Toronto there were amazing fireworks but there are none here in Quebec. Since Quebec changed the name of the holiday to Patriots Day, you would think they could celebrate that at least…but what do I know.

I decided to walk over to Super C which is a much cheaper grocery store than Metro and picked up more than a few things since they are finally getting a good selection of organic food as well as gluten free products as about 30% cheaper than Metro. So I will walk that extra 1 km for sure now. I had to stop piling things in my basket figuring. How much would fit in my 2 bags and backpack.

Walking a bit slower back, I stopped in front of Mikes Restaurant thinking they would be closing soon as in the winter they often closed at 8pm due to lack of customers. Well, to my delight it is busy and so here I am typing a little message to Emma, sipping my Belgian Moon and waiting for my seafood poutine! Okay, so it is not too healthy but it IS gluten free [she chuckles to herself].

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my podiatrist for my achy toe and feet, then off downtown Montreal to my first appointment with a new chiropractor. I am told she has a holistic approach and I am praying she can treat me for my knees and perhaps my shoulders and neck too. Anything is better than what my GP is doing …which is nothing.

Gotta go now and finish my savoury dinner. Thanks for listening, Emma

twilight dinner
savouring seafood delights
sipping Belgian Moon

(c) Tournesol’ ‘18/05/21

P S for you newbies who do not know who Emma is, she is my personal journal I have been writing to for the past five years on another blog.

no man’s land. (daily moments May 12/18)

Daily moments no man’s land A cherita and a Senryu

Time and time again soreness sharpens

Once in a while it reaches a peak
Explosion of tears her only recourse

She sits, listening to her body screaming
Confused and lost not knowing where to look
Which joint cries louder?

Still in the night
assaulting her sleep
dissonance of pain

© Tournesol 🌻 ‘18/05/12