under winter skies
spreading their wings
angels giggling
children blowing smoke rings
dancing diamonds on the snow
© Tournesol ‘19/01/29
under winter skies
spreading their wings
angels giggling
children blowing smoke rings
dancing diamonds on the snow
© Tournesol ‘19/01/29
Sleep...that is what she seeks,
sleep ...that is what she needs
fall into oblivion
crib of downy comfort
sleep...that is what she seeks
sleep...that is what she needs
finally at the crack of dawn
just before those early chirps
eyelids sealing shut...
running aimlessly
breathing heavily
strangers in the night
running aimlessly
hear the sounds of heathens
searching for the light
breathing heavily
lethal inhalations
fill her lungs with sin
strangers in the night
flee as she awakens
nightmares now begin
waiting patiently
steady purring heals the soul
nature, at its best
(c) Tournesol '19/01/25
mid-season blues
like summer draughts that bring despair
does the universe even care?
summer love that has to end
saying goodbye in September
broken hearts and stolen dreams
lovers mourn in muted screams
wishing they would not remember
autumn in its amber shades
masking truths too hard to bear
does the universe even care?
school becomes a new distraction
mothers scrimping for more pennies
children’s shoes will not endure
humbled with their meagre meal
peanut butter spread too thin
mid-season blues
like summer draughts that bring despair
does the universe even care?
October ends in farce and fury
poverty clothed in Halloween
witches taunting mockingly
nary a princess or a queen
dreading winter, parents worry
mid-season blues
like summer draughts that bring despair
does the universe even care?
December heaves a downy blanket
void of presents and empty cupboards
January weighs a thousand woes
hungry bellies and frozen toes
housing they cannot afford
mid-season blues
like summer draughts that bring despair
does the universe even care?
social services cannot keep up
greedy leaders just turn away
their pockets lined with children's dreams
parents working night and day
politics drowning all their screams
mid-season blues
like summer draughts that bring despair
does the universe even care?
blindly seeking for a break
depression hovers constantly
winter nearing to an end
melancholy lurking silently
hiding spring’s utopia
mid-season blues
like summer draughts that bring despair
does the universe even care?
bound in darkness and despair
breaking through with fiery rage
some may find an ounce to share
fill them with ample courage
reaching out to one who cares
mid-season blues
like summer draughts that bring despair
someone out there really cares!
© Cheryl-Lynn ‘19-01-23
http://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/en/ Adults 1-833-456-4566
For residents in Quebec 1-866-APPELLE (1-866-277-3553)
Kids Help Phone – Jeunesse Jécoute - Youths and young adult
www.kidshelpphone.ca www.jeunessejecoute.ca 1 800 668 6868
USA https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255
It is amazing how much literature there is on the lack of sunlight and darkness affects moods and yet there does not seem to be as much on seeing ONLY WHITE F&$&ing snow. The skies are grey today and yet the brightness of the snow still makes her eyes squint and adds to the jackhammer in her head. It is said that January 21st is the most depressing day of the year. How interesting that it may be the most depressing but that does not mean that the following day it has disappeared. No siree, it lags on and on and on and lurks into February and depression infecting each day forward.
Today, she squints as she looks out the window, debating if she should go out to do some errands which would entail, getting dressed (winterizing with coat, boots, scarf, ski mask, snow pants, gloves or mitts and cleats) to the bus stop, waiting in the wind, avoiding cars splashing the slush on sidewalks and repeating the same thing on her return. It is like shampooing one’s hair: shampoo, rinse, repeat.
Fortunately, today it is a balmy –5C so she can lose the snow pants, ski mask and mitts. What a joy! It is snowing today and she stands at the corner feeling her cheeks blush with each kiss.
“Crunch, Crunch” her boots moan as she approaches destination. Taking a deep breath of the fresh air, she feels a shift in her mood and knows that this brief but effective exercise has fired neurotransmitters that are lifting her spirits. She sighs thinking of those who suffer so much especially this time of year and the risks that may entail…
mid-season blues
like summer draughts bring despair
in the dead of winter
blindly seeking respite
from the wrath of depression
treading warily
on grief’s temptation
veering such demise
bundling up with courage
some may make that phone call
hearing in that voice
caring and supportive
may give life a chance
© Tournesol ‘19-01-23
Sitting in her late mother’s rocking recliner, she pets her black cat gently. The silky fir feels nice to her touch and the more she takes pleasure in stroking her tiny head and slender body she feels her heart beating slower. The loud steady vibrations of the purring is making her smile.
It’s like getting a booster shot of valium,, a third glass of wine or a few tokes of MJ. The lightheaded feeling makes her smile again and she admires that sweet innocence of her one year old cat.
She feels blessed. Her other cat with her hypnotic eyes also comfort her. She is truly a lucky woman.
Soft silkiness
Chasing worries away
Soothing purrs
Soft silkiness
Scent of a newborn
Melting all hearts
Chasing worries away
Effective and addictive
Like a drug
Soothing purrs
Nature’s gift
To mankind
© Tournesol ‘19/01/19 Daily moments pure addictions. Troiku
mysteries of the mind
seeking insights
cobwebs
mysteries of the mind
hidden in a maze
only spirits see
seeking insights
muted melodies
and pleading mantras
cobwebs
heart murmurs
holding secrets
© Tournesol ‘19-01-18
nature’s grace
looking out my window
emerald bliss
nature’s grace
genuine and refined
best feline friend
looking out my window
only she can see
ghosts of my past
emerald bliss
healing every fibre
of my soul
© Tournesol ‘19-01-18
breastfeeding nightmare
infants waiting in the queue
sucking me dry
Dear Emma,
I called in sick today, on this 17th day of January 2019. Every joint screamed with pain. As I tried to get back to sleep, I said to myself for the first time in 18 and a half years, “I hate my job!” Just saying it to myself was a shock! You see I am the type of person that talks out loud in my mind. When I read, I talk out loud in my mind. That’s why it takes me forever to read but I read a lot so I guess I have gotten over this attribute about me.
Two weeks ago, I had difficult calls during the week of New Year’s two days in a row. Yep, call after call after call after Live Chat I heard about child physical abuse, child sexual abuse, child neglect and suicide, suicide and more suicide. That last Monday was so heavy that on the following Thursday, I did not feel the energy to go to work without throwing up. Yep, all the shit was stuck in my throat and I was afraid to open my mouth.
This past Sunday and Monday were a bit better since it was not the holiday season anymore but still. Last Monday, I ended my shift with a long 2 hour suicide call which was the third suicide call of the shift. I tried to nonchalantly chat but not requesting to debrief. I had my coat and boots on and just skimmed through parts of that call because I was also pleased that I gave something to this caller…hope. Although chatting about it nonchalantly, as if this was just sharing, I know now, was wrong. I should have debriefed privately to help me process how I felt before leaving home for two days off. Two days of allowing the suffering to fester inside of me.
I wished I had benefits to process this therapeutically with a professional but anyone over 65 is cut off from this support. Another bad employer policy…not supporting the hand that feeds the service.
This morning I woke up several times snoozing my alarm over and over and over until I finally decided that was it today! After I said those words in my head…um, I can’t repeat it here again but you just have to scroll up to the first paragraph…I felt so many emotions. I was sad, angry, frustrated, shocked and really did not want to feel anything. I wanted to roll over and get back to sleep. I got up to let my black cat, Kali, out of her room (my guest room) and made myself a cup of earl grey and came back to bed. I tried to watch a sitcom “Grace Under Fire” but my mind was still spinning. Kali jumped into bed with me and curled up in the curve of my arm and purred so loud, it finally put me to sleep.
When I woke up, Bette, my older friend, a Siberian Mix feline, was sleeping next to me. She never cuddles though. She has issues of space, contact and feeling trapped. I really enjoy her company, nonetheless as she has improved over the years and frankly, if you see her, you would have to admit, she looks like a queen. She is that beautiful!
I felt this way last year too and it was because I was refused time off to rest emotionally from my too demanding job. I had tried to avoid this from happening again this year. I had taken 10 days off in February last year and that helped my mind and soul but my body took months and months to catch up. I planned a summer of lots of time off and saved a week to take during Christmas week.
Unfortunately, the people who count our allowable time off made a huge mistake by 10 days! Yep, so by mid-summer, I was told that I could take 5 of the days I had reserved without pay in August and that was that. I knew December would be a problem. In the past 10 years, I rarely worked during the holidays because I needed to recuperate from demands of my type of work and wanted to see family and friends. In the past three years, however, I no longer even see anyone…I am that drained. I see family Christmas Day and then hibernate in my home, sleeping, writing, reading and vegging on Netflix.
I had reserved 10 days off in February this year, again but without the Christmas break time off, I did not know how much I would be able to endure before cracking. So many of my peers were taking time off, and too many had already quit. That revolving door would NOT stop spinning and as much as I try to give hope and a positive attitude at work, I could feel something I have treasured for decades was sinking into an abyss deep inside the confines of my soul. Nothing shows on the outside. I think that I still look more or less like passionate for the cause, lady, but I am struggling to keep this up.
I have never taken a job JUST for the salary. I know, I know, that may sound unbelievable but for me, it is the position and work environment that has always drawn me. I have left better paying positions to move onto positions where I could grow ; it is sort of like going to school and getting paid. I remember leaving the corporate world to stay home for a few years and type court recordings until my kids went to school.
Going back to college and taking a job as personal support worker; working in the helping field is so fulfilling. Leaving a high paying sales position to finally work full-time as a youth counsellor. Passions filled are bonuses that feed the heart and ensures employee retention. Granted we have gone through many changes and the goals have not changed but the means have. I have always felt when a workplace no longer meets the needs of an employee, it is time to seriously think of moving on. For now the service is still my passion but how long will I be able to swim without a floater?
Today, I admitted something quite frightening and I hope it is JUST the emotional fatigue talking and not a sad reality.
breastfeeding nightmare
infants waiting in the queue
sucking me dry
© Tournesol ‘19-01-17
Daily Moments – lucid dreams haibun
Walking to work she treads carefully on the slippery path to work. Certain areas are covered with a thin layer of white crust that catches her eye and warms her heart.
Diamonds
Scores on a backdrop
dancing underfoot
Diamonds
Beauty frozen in time
Giggling on snow
Scores on a backdrop
Floating in the cosmos
Granting wishes
Dancing underfoot
Despite the freezing cold
Blinding baby blues
© Tournesol ‘19-01-14
Daily Moments January 14, 2019 dancing diamonds