How I have missed writing to you, dearest Emma! Ah and to spend a day of searching for prompts on different blogs, teasing my muse here and there, are rewards after a long week. This morning I started writing and it seemed to match the weather, unfortunately. Well, I should not say it is a misfortune since any kind of writing is a way to remove clutter in my mind and allow my muse to cleanse my soul. My oh my, doesn’t that sound a bit dramatic?!
I do believe that pent up emotions, processing a difficult work week or just getting the angst of the holiday season or personal affairs, out of your system is a good way to start fresh.
We are nearing December 2nd and I have noticed that my moods darken a few weeks leading up to that date. I am not usually conscious of it but this year I want to be a little more aware on how I express it, especially at work. It is already a heavy and dark time for any kind of crisis/ helpline with broken hearts, abusive relationships and sadly the urge to end it all and leave this f&%$ng world. Many speak with words of despair and others with such anger, I can see them raise their fist up to the sky.
This year I have tried to compartmentalise my thoughts and feelings so I could address the needs of our service and not allow one to drown the other when I come home. However writing was my way of shedding all negativity and helplessness. Despite lack of writing, I think I have succeeded for the most part but three intensive weekends of school have tested the boundaries of sanity somewhat.
Firstly, I am NOT a morning person and to get up at the ungodly hour of six and see the sun rise…well, alright, it is bittersweet. So radiant a sky even though I am dreadfully exhausted.
Secondly, I have just been accommodated to work three days a week hence two-day intensive weekends for three weeks brought me back to a five-day week. Yeah, that was certainly more than I had bargained for.
But it has been a wonderful experience and I was blessed with an amazing group of students…each and every one is so interesting, kind and helpful. Each one added to the richness and uniqueness of our class experiences. Our teacher (for my type of learning anyway) was perfect! She allowed us to learn from each other and not spoon feed us all the time which, I know, would not have helped me and by the afternoon, I would have fallen asleep. She motivated us, encouraged us and inspired us with her past experiences, giving us a taste of what to expect.
She reminded me of my university professor and Dean of the department teaching our practicum in Family Life Education. She would share odd, scary and funny situations to prepare us for teaching children and adults. The most intimidating stories were from her high school experience in Sex Ed. And they helped me during my five years where the students labelled me the Sex & Drug Teacher. [I suppose that sounds better than the druggy sex teacher.]
I still have online grammar assignments to complete under 40 hours [crossing my fingers that will be cut in half] to get my official TEFL certification (Teaching English as a Foreign Language). I am planning to enjoy a 2-day weekend (Friday and Saturday for me) and hit the books on Tuesday.
I think I really need this time off. Perhaps I will rent a car tomorrow so I can pick up some poinsettias to place at my mother’s graveside. I know it has been already four years and I am certainly not a young person. I am fortunate to have had my mother in my life so long. I know I am blessed to have had so many wonderful years growing up, as a young married adult and mother of two children. We have been tied to each other so closely for forty-five years until I moved to Toronto and even then, we spoke regularly and she would end her calls always with, “Don’t forget to say your three Hail Mary’s and Act of Contrition before you go to sleep tonight.” My visits to Quebec were spending time with her and my children. How my children had a great relationship with their Nanny. I remember coming down from Toronto for 24 hours to reassure and calm her a the hospital in Montreal for tests. I often wish I could have had my transfer much sooner so I could have spent more time with her.
For some odd reason, my mind is remembering when I took her skinny dipping for the first time in our pool in Saint Mathias. She was giggling like an nervous teenager. We went into the water with our bikinis and slowly removed one piece and then the other. I think about that now and I wonder if Mom was just pretending to be new to this just to make this experience our special mother-daughter thing.
How I miss her laugh, the scent of her cologne (Clinique Aromatics Elexir for one) and her soft voice singing along with Englebert Humperdinck and missing most of the words (like me). Fred, who was her second husband, love of her life and the dad I adored so much, shared her love for Englebert. They met at his military retirement party. She was his blind date and it was love at first dance. I think I loved him even more because he loved my mother and treated her with such respect and affection. Their relationship was what the movie, Love Story was all about. He died thirteen years later but was there for my two children and he paced the floors during my labour and loved us all as his own. My mother is buried next to Fred, so I can chat to both of them when I visit now.
Oh, Emma, did I tell you that I found love letters between my mother and Fred when they were dating? Ah, such a treasure this is. At first, I felt guilty as if I was eavesdropping but then again Mom knew how much I loved Fred, so reading them brought me back to my teen years when they met. It was such a great time in her life and mine as well. I was engaged during the same time. Yes, at sixteen secretly and at seventeen on Christmas Eve we told our family who were in shock!
Oh my, Emma, my mind is all over the place but that is what a diary is for, isn’t it?
Thanks for listening as usual, you never interrupt me.
tu me manques
tu me manques
quand le soleil se couche
je te dis bonne nuit
je pris encore tous les jours
comme tu m’as appris
ton sourire rayonnant
nourrit mon coeur
you are missed
you are missed
when the sun sets
I say goodnight to you
I still pray every day
like you taught me
your radiant smile
feeds my heart
(c) Tournesol '18-11-30
A troiku is a new haiku form created by Chevrefeuille at CarpDiemHaikuKai. A troibun is a haibun with a troiku.