a silent wash of tears (haibun)


It was my first retreat. I  was sharing a room with a long time devotee I  had never met.   I was not even worried but what did unnerve me,  was how would I  react when this spiritual Mother, this world renowned guru would arrive?  Would I  feel something special within?  Would there be a sign from the universe? I was going out of curiosity that summer of 2014  as I had been seeking something to help me grow spiritually. I was open to learn.

The first day I arrived I waited with my token,  in a long line,  to be embraced by this amazing woman. I  reached the stage and sat down waiting to be summoned to move forward. I could feel my body shake out of anticipation or nervousness.
I wasn’t sure which.

My mind went back to when I had to face the bishop as a child  at my Confirmation.  I  was so nervous I had to pee so bad!  Not unusual since I was confirmed at five years old. Young? Yes, but I was  tall and my  mother wanted to spare the embarrassment of towering over my peers, so the priest gave his permission.  I took extra Catechism lessons and memorized The Apostles’ Creed and I would be led to that man with the tall pointed hat!  I  did not appreciate the slap on the cheek (The teacher forgotten to tell me about that part)

Minutes later, I  was standing in front of the beloved Mother and I  lowered my body to be embraced. Her warm hug was like that of my  grandmother’s, as if we knew each other forever and yet we were strangers…or had we once met in another lifetime?

Three days of similar rituals, meditations, warm compassionate talks and beautiful stories,  singing…so much singing and the tap tap of the Tabla drums filled the room.   On Devi Bhava, after Amma had completed all her hugs, her blessings and it was time to leave…she stood up on the stage,  looking at all her devotees for one last long endearing moment.

The vast room filled with thousands of people fell  silent…mere echoes of a far away cough, a tiny baby gurgling and Amma’s eyes on all of her devotees; was it possible to feel this pure love wash over each and everyone in that hall?

crowd falls silent
Holy Mother’s reverent gaze
beat of a heart,
echoes in the chamber of a chest
tears roll softly down a cheek

© Tournesol ’15

11 thoughts on “a silent wash of tears (haibun)

      1. Thank you. I should check her European tours and then we could meet:) She goes to Ireland sometimes so I am checking that tour so I can see her and visit my ancestor’s graves (sounds morbid doesn’t it?) haha, but I meant it in a positive way.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Nothing morbid about visiting the ancestors … they just don’t happen to be walking about after oh, 150 years or so 😉 Sound like a great way to combine the two aspects of your life … memory and spiritual growth.


      3. That’s right … we must hope it’s in summer … the place is ALWAYS rainy, but one might have a ray of sunshine in summer .. though I think we’d make our own sunshine any time of the year!


      4. For sure!! You know the one and only trip to England and Scotland, out of 14 days it rained only 3 days. Yep, a record and I was there…so maybe I bring the sunshine 😉 and anyway the sun always shines in an Irish pub!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Janice! I can imagine Jesus have long discussions together on how much they have in common:) I think the world needs more and more people living and breathing “compassion” so the world can all “some day” catch this wonderful virus 🙂


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