It spoke to me

(Haiku – Huitain)

(Haiku)

A lovely post spoke
to me; started to self-reflect
such a humbling feat.

me jan 2013 B & WI read a poem this morning and it made me think.  I love when that happens.  You know, when you read something and it speaks to you?  A Thousand Mirrors did that to me.  Maybe it’s because I work in counselling but I think it triggered something more personal.  Last night I was attending my 8th workshop on Borderline Personal Disorder. It’s for family and friends of someone who has this condition. It is not to just know more about what a person with BPD is going through;  it is to understand what a caregiver or loved one can do to help and also take care of themselves.

So I was  no longer in the counsellor’s seat learning how to better assist someone with BPD but rather I was in the “mirror” looking straight inside of ME.  I am forced to see how I react to certain behaviours and how I may, sometimes, unintentionally perhaps, have added fuel to the fire. It has been too many years that our relationship has almost severed but I still love this person very much…I just don’t like how this person treats me. But, by looking inside that mirror, I was seeing things I don’t like too much about me too.  Oh boy that’s a humbling experience!

The dynamics with a significant other with BPD can  get explosive but it can also implode. I am learning so much that my brain hurts and my heart aches. So much is simmering inside of me but how long it will simmer?  I don’t know.

Since working in my field, I have come to have more understanding and compassion for my relative.  I’ve told family members to be more understanding and tolerant. But me?  I have withdrawn…run a way in many cases when I felt attacked giving over so much power to this person that I love because I’m a chicken in the face of conflict.

Last night I learned that I give all this power to control and “hurt” is not really what a person with ANY condition wants. And not be chicken, I may, in time find the courage to try to communicate with my relative.  I know it won’t change overnight.  I know my relative has no clue that I have love and compassion…there are so many misperceptions, so many judgements. {sigh}

And when I think of times I have suffered tough times…depression, loss and insecurities, I was also often misunderstood. People assumed I was just fine because I usually am the giver, the person taking care of others. I look assertive and self-assured, they know not how broken and shaken I can be inside. And this lovely poem I read this morning made me think of all of this.  So I have attempted to write a new form (huitain)  in poetry I’ve just learned to summarize my thoughts on this.

(Huitain)

How easy it is to assume
not try to ask, investigate
we judge, expect, predict, presume
 not bothering at any rate;
empathy, heart would educate
we’d show a little compassion,
we know not what can irritate.
Listen! they may share a portion.

© Cheryl-Lynn Roberts, December 10, 2013

Inspired by: A Thousand Mirrors

3 Replies to “It spoke to me”

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this, and I’m very happy it has inspired you. What a great profession you are in, helping people the way you do. Never underestimate yourself. Your importance, integrity, and value is right there in the mirror, in the reflection of you.
    All the best to you.

    Like

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I do love my work with a passion. But I do know I still have learning and growing to do personally. The beauty of “living” is always learning and thank you for helping me with that today. Namaste

      Like

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