Daily Moments ~ hear the breeze ~ troiku ~ August 16 2019

Tween seasons are the best…end of summer opens windows and turns off air conditioners, reminding us of the beauty of natural sounds [minus the cars during rush hour].

finally
listen to the wind
softly whispering

finally
open windows
fresh air

listen to the wind
cicadas do their shrill
how peaceful!

softly whispering
“remember your Hail Mary’s”
can’t help but smile

© Tournesol ‘19/08/16

Daily Moments hear the breeze troika August 16 2019

Chapter 2 of Emily’s autobiography (troibun)

Emily does not remember much of the unpleasant and scary for some reason. It’s like ghosts in the back of her brain. The good, happy, loving images are so vivid and when the ghosts try to poke at her and get to the forefront, she is never sure what is real. The details are blurred. She sees a little girl sitting on the steps at the back of her house, sulking or weeping for “no reason”.

“I’ll give you something to really cry about!” screams in her brain…a buckle on a belt flashes and then blackness.

Recalling unpleasant and scary is like trying to pick up a lost penny on the pavement with your toes.

Then feeling the warm, loving hugs and her soothing voice…remembering her comforting embrace is her safety net.

memories
floating in and out
dream catcher

memories
fragmented stories
and blurred lines

floating in and out
latching on like…
bloodsuckers

dream catcher
recalling soothing hues
tangible – love

(c) tournesol ’19/08/15

What would you write in Chapter 2 of your life story?

on letting go …a cherita and haiku

(a cherita)

piling into tired vessels

inequity tears the sails
weary canvas fails

sea engulfs each evil deed
greedy and voracious
quenched with every nightmare

~

aquarius moon so full and bright

beams light up the sea
watching ancient sins

sinking to dark depths
way beneath the sea
labroides feast

(haiku)

nightmares capsize
into the cold dark sea
death becomes them

(c) Tournesol ’19/08/15

 

Daily moments – reflections on letting go and change – August 15th, full moon

 

Cotton candy hands ~Haibun ~ Daily Moments August 15 2019

No photo description available.
(c) Clr ’19

Walking from the mall today, I noticed the rides were back on the property. They are a team from the Beauce and they are here about 3 or 4 times a year. They set up at the front of the mall and usually when I walk home from work late at night I use the back route since my home is behind the mall. Still I see five or six vans and trailers parked on the back side, so I know the fair is back in town.

Image may contain: sky, night, cloud and outdoor
(c) Clr’19

Today, I wanted to take a few photos to savour some of the summer images we long for during those long frigid winter months. I like to pretend that I’m a kid again and going to the fair with my mom and sister. Just an image here, another there and I am back in time decades ago. I can even smell the food!

ferris wheels
roller coasters
screams of joy and fear

sticky fingers
smacking lips
pink cotton candy

hot dogs
dripping mustard
candied popcorn

sun setting
speakers blaring
hip hop

flashing lights
screaming children
one last ride

© Tournesol ‘19/08/15

Cotton candy hands Haibun Daily Moments August 15 2019  Daily Moments

Life is not timeless…

Happy Birthday, Aunt Mae!

Celebrating
90 years of true
living

(c) Clr ‘August 13, 2019

 

Originally written August 12, 2013

Art by Mae Roberts Giroux

Returning from a lovely birthday celebration for my Aunt Mae, my head was swimming with thoughts on my return home by train on this 13th day of August 2013.

It is a solemn day today;  I’ve felt blessed being with people who changed my life; people who encouraged me when no one else did; people who believed in me and offered me the sanctuary of their home  so I could save first and last month’s rent when I started a new life in a new city 400 miles from home.  People who had not been in my life for almost 30 years and yet never hesitated to offer their unconditional support! They never judged me; nor did they expect anything in return!

They invented “paying it forward”!

Meet my Aunt M who is my father’s sister; she lived too far most of her adult life to be privy to family drama and stories;  she was busy raising her family, making her way and a wonderful way of life she did as well.

She is an amazing mother who raised three fine sons…3 fine men…3 fine cousins…three fine creative souls!  She is an amazing wife, who followed her husband across the country and enjoyed every minute with the man she loved. She encouraged and supported his decision when he too returned to university so he could change his career for the second part of his life.  She is a grandmother, aunt, wife, artist, mother-in-law, model and mentor in life.

She is an amazing friend who never forgets any friend she has encountered along the way on her life’s travels…just check out her monthly postal and cards’ expenses!

She is an amazing person who embodies goodness…volunteers, is always there to help, contributes for events that entail fun(oh, how she loves to play) she is always available to chip in at potlucks, bring the best peanut butter cookies to friends and friends of her children who have to move; she is there to help at parties, special events and people of all ages just love her!

Mae Roberts Giroux,
Oakville, On.
© Painting by Mae Roberts Giroux,

One of her very first paintings by Mae Roberts Giroux

Mae Roberts Giroux
https://www.facebook.com/mae.giroux/photos

 

Photo: CLR – art by Mae Giroux, Oakville, Ontario

She is an amazing “ma tante” who gave selflessly and proudly…merci, Ma Tante!  She is an amazing and accomplished artist …creating beauty for the past 70+ years The profile pic on this blog is ONE of her many paintings she has created, she sculpts as well, draws, does stain-glass, teaches art …multi-media and so much more!


To my amazing Uncle F (Mr. G) who is an amazing father!  He raised 3 sons to be 3 amazing husbands, 2 amazing loving fathers! He nurtured them, played with them and gave them guidance…he is a father, a dad , grandfather, uncle, friend, and a mentor.  I always envied my cousins for having the most amazing dad on this planet…and I am thankful to have been blessed with his tender love, wise guidance and fatherly support…he was the dad who loaned me his shoulders for support when my heart was broken, and his insights when I was at a crossroad. Thank you, Uncle F!

He is an amazing husband who encouraged his wife to grow and develop her creative side at an art college in her middle years, and as well, later on, he pursued a second career in improving the lives of people, who volunteers to this day and continues to help people in need. He is a loving grandfather, father-in-law, uncle and model/mentor to look up to.

I love them so much and today we had a pleasant and sombre rendezvous.  I was looking at two people whom I love very much… aging…and yes, it is part of life’s cycle…I get it!

I choked with sadness and longing as I heard my uncle comment calmly, rocking in his chair, “We are getting closer to the summit of our horizon”.  I looked at him in awe…maybe I saw an aura…this warm kind man radiating so much wisdom!

Later during our lovely lunch I was thrilled listening to my aunt giggle to a comment I had made.  She was still 16 inside that body…this body who still swam twice weekly doing 42 lengths each time…this woman who did her 15 minutes of exercises every morning she was still swimming at the age of 84!  {Yes, I have so much to look up to and learn from and have yet to get off said lazy butt and do some of this to stay healthy!}

How I loved to discuss issues of medical or mental health nature with my uncle.  To discuss books he has read…he who is still a member of book club at the age of 85.  This man still volunteers and reads and is so vibrant and alive despite his frail body that refuses to retain iron and whose bones are so fragile…and yet, he still pushes himself to stay active.  How I love him and admire him.

Uncle Fred & Aunt Mae

How I loved to attend art shows where my aunt hung several pieces of her art and she still continues to expose her art this week at 3 places in the city including City Hall.  What an amazing artist! How I loved to go shopping especially taking advantage of those “great sales” on shoes!! She always made me feel like her other daughter…so much more than her niece. And to Uncle F, he too made me feel like his extra daughter…somehow there was always room in both their hearts for me…and that makes me weep happy tears.

And so I am soaking up this unique and special  love I feel for them and they have for me…and know I want to try to come more frequently to see them…for the days, the months, the years are limited …

my heart swells
thinking
people who matter

© Clr ‘2013/08/13

in loving memory of a great man (free verse)

No photo description available.

Can`t seem to find the words
the mind is just so numb
cracks etched upon my heart
memories start to form
lines on every vein
telling each a different story
good, caring, funny
warm, loving, happy
smart, wise and witty,
A hundred and one adjectives
Never enough for this fine man

that time he whispered softly,
“Now be careful when you date,
that no man breaks your heart”
Handing me a tiny teddy
That held a great big heart
he gave me one fine Christmas
My first, away from home

Oh! Remember my first date
At Phantom of the Opera!
so frazzled on what to wear!
Fred and Mae just sat down calmly
on their maple Vilas couch
watching the little fashion show
helped me choose what to wear

those nights coming home
after a date with so and so…
a bottle of Kahlua
a shot glass and a note
“Hope you had a nice time,
Here’s a nightcap for you,
before you go to bed”
that time that we three had dinner
and then he smiled and asked
smacked his lips mischievously
“Wanta share a joint with me,
It’s one of Wardy’s homegrown?”
I thought about it
mulled it over
and said to myself,
“Why not?!”
I felt very safe
with Mae & Fred
and was plenty curious too!!
Had not experimented
In my teens with LSD or pot
a goody two shoes I was a lot
the sixties and the seventies…
never dated much either
I married my teenage sweetheart
When I was just fifteen
I think mid-life made me daring
at forty-five I was bold
I tried my very first joint
just a few puffs here and there
and off to Disneyland I was!
Guess I was not a good candidate
or as my cousin Ward would say,
“Cuz, you sure are a cheap date!”

He was there when I moved
five hours away from home
he and his wife made sure
I was safe in my new home
He pushed me to exercise
Walking a mile after work
Then we’d eat that chunky soup
Homemade by Mae each week

We talked about life and helping people
Psychology and mental health
he understood me and my work
I could feel his fatherly pride
His heart that swelled inside
for all that I have done
and I’ll cherish all those times
he gave so selflessly
altruism his middle name

We both loved to read
And when he finally retired
He joined a book club
The only male reader there
But Fred was so accustomed
Exceptions were his ordinary

We shared a few novels
Discussed them for awhile
I wish I’d had more time
Discussed with him Green Mile
Those stories that made you think
I treasured his insights and wisdom
His thirst for learning
Never quite quenched
There was so much in life to learn
Feeding on medicine and therapies
nothing was beneath or above him
Except of course technology
Computers did drive him mad!

a loving and generous man
how could you not admire
A man of such great depth
quick and clever
kind and compassionate
he never missed a beat
devoted… compassionate

Until we meet again
Uncle Fred
I so hope you are dancing
Speed walking and jogging,
free of all aches and pains
walking up, one by one,
those golden stairs beckon
you to heaven

© Cheryl-Lynn August 7, 2019

Dorothy sings the blues (troiku)

Today, I treated myself to a mani-pedi at the Mall across the street. As the lady started working on my neglected feet, I took out my beads and relaxed and chanted my mantra silently. Usually one lady takes care of my feet and later I move to a table where another lady works on my hands. Today it was not as busy, another lady approached me with a bowl to soak my left hand while she started working on my right hand.


just like Dorothy
pampering hands and feet
in the land of Oz

It felt good to just be in the moment and relax. Later, I walked around aimlessly at The Bay and realized I wanted to continue doing “nothing” and came home to cocoon with my thoughts and my bff’s (best feline friends).


watching the leaves sway
rustling with the wind
Mother Nature’s blues

watching the leaves sway
listening to sopranos
cicadas shrill

rustling with the wind
like a full satin skirt
Mother used to wear

Mother Nature’s blues
giddy daisies dancing
to a summer’s breeze

© Tournesol ’19/08/06

on healing (free verse)

Remembering
I wept
Reliving, 
Shedding tears
hidden 
from yesteryear
And then I breathed
Feeling relieved
And then I knew
I was healed
A little more
than yesterday
humbly
counting my blessings,
I pray

© Clr‘19/08/03


I had forgotten I purchased this book three years ago. I cannot help but feel connected with every word rereading her words…Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur

 

Heatwave (troiku)


sound of cicadas
sweating on my balcony
sauna and me


sound of cicadas
screaming blue murder
resting in the shade


sweating on my balcony
even children are heavy
with sleep


sauna and me
every mid-summer
heatwave in July


(c) Tournesol '19/07/27
Daily moments - Heatwave - troiku July 27 2019

Chambly Rapids – Monochrome Wednesday


Chambly Rapids 2019
(c) Clr`19 Chambly Rapids

The above  photo was taken June 22nd when I spent the day at the Chambly Rapids like I do every year on my late mother’s birthday, sitting on a flat rock chanting my mantra thinking of her. This year, my usual spot was fenced in since the water is too high, so I found a log further down.  It was a glorious day and I even got to see a heron by the dam. What a treat!  The fence did not stop me from taking photos of that beautiful bird.  He lives on the island not far from here. It looks like he likes to pose or he was just a patient fisher [chuckles]

(c) Clr'19   Chambly Rapids - Heron
(c) Clr’19 Chambly Rapids/Richelieu dam – Pont Yule
This was posted for Monochrome Wednesday




 

la sage femme (haibun)

Weeping Woman by Picasso.

Art Image Publications PICASSO Inspired Art Projects  Weeping Woman – Pablo Picasso, 1937

After a long night sponging the sweat off her patient’s face, she felt her grip her brown spotted hand.  “Ne t’inquiète pas…ça ne sera plus long ma fille, pousse fort une autre fois à la prochaine contraction.” * But then her weather-beaten face frowned…a tear rolled down her chin.  The silence was deafening as she placed the white sweet smelling cloth over the young mother’s mouth while the father took the lid off the shoebox.

shuffling home
weather-beaten hands
holding a shoebox

© Tournesol’15

*translation: Not to worry,my child, it won’t be long now… push hard at the next contraction.

sage femme: midwife

This is one of many sad true stories my GrandMaman shared with us growing up.  I can’t imagine the sorrow she carried with her mixed with joys…

Inspired by our host’s meme today “weather-beaten” at Carpe Diem Haiku Kai

Basho & Sora (Oku No Hosomichi)

Our host, Chèvrefeuille says: “This month our central theme is “on the trail with Basho”, because Basho was a traveling haiku poet as e.g. Santoka Taneda was in his time (1882-1940). This month we will (try) to follow Basho’s journeys through Japan. And this first haiku which I will share here is from one of his earlier haibun (or travel-journals), “The Records of a Weather-Exposed Skeleton” (Nozarashi Kiko) in which he describes his journey together with his disciple Chiri along the places described by Saigyo, Basho’s great role-model;”

weather beaten
wind pierces my body
to my heart

© Basho (Tr. Jane Reichhold)

Here is our host’s offering and he asks us to write with the Haiku Writing Technique baransu (in balance):

cold spring breeze
makes the cherry blossom shiver
one heartbeat long

© Chèvrefeuille

Tuesday s Tulips Daily Moments July 2 2019 Troibun

Image may contain: plant, flower and nature
(c) Clr’ 19 Mother’s Day Tulips

This passed winter was long and cold.  Spring came along mid-May.  It was such a joy to see those tulips sprout from the earth.  Reds, yellows and even white petals standing tall and strong despite spring winds.  Even the rain could not push them around!  Hope was painted on every smile when a passerby finally realized that summer was near.

And now in the heart of summer, tulips have been replaced by peonies and daisies…but still, she remembers with fondness, her Mother’s Day present…fresh picked tulips standing tall. If you take the time to notice, you might see one left standing…stronger than its peers.

last of the tulips
stands by the building
left with abandon

last of the tulips
longing for reds and yellows
waits for its time

stands by the building
scratchy and cold
bricks give no comfort

left with abandon
could stand up no more
feeding Mother Earth

© Tournesol ‘19/07/02

Daily Moments – June 2, 2019  Moving Day (troibun)

Related image
Photo credits: Home Depot

 

Moving day in Québec   has just passed in this part of her world like every year, July 1st when residents renew their leases.  When she was a young child it was May 1st and she remembers many new classmates arriving at the end of the school year.  It was not easy for the children to leave their friends and school and start anew in a strange school.    That is why the provincial government, in 1973 decided it was better to end leases June 30th so children would not be penalized leaving their school before the end of their year and that is when Moving Day changed to July 1st.  It is also a long weekend with Canada Day, so many renters who could not afford to take time off work had an extra day to move.

You will notice driving around urban streets in or near Montreal in mid-June to mid-July there are LOTS of junk, furniture, mattresses and many cardboard boxes on the side of the street.  I suppose it is a busy and demanding time for the garbage collectors too.  Notaries (in Quebec we have notaries and not lawyers to draw up house deeds) are very busy from April to July…well, more than usual.  It might not be the best time to draw up a will…if you’re not in a hurry, that is.

Living close to a Salvation Army depot near the bus terminal, she notices piles and piles of clothes and furniture dumped after hours every day for the past few weeks.  And, the curious and disrespectful rummage through the droppings, opening bags and pulling out garments and leaving them spread out in front of the door of the depot.  She shakes her head in disgust and feels bad for the employees who have to clean up the mess every day when they come in to work.  How discouraging is that? Some may argue, “Well, they are paid to do it.”  Sure, they are but the time wasted on this is wasting lots of donation dollars too when they could be doing something else.  Oh well, she can tsk tsk all day long and it won’t change people, now will it?

It is quite warm today at 28C and in the sun it is hot!  She was planning to go the Montreal International Jazz Festival with her grandson but he thinks it is only jazz music and he is not a fan.  She knows there is Blues, Reggae, Rap, Hip Hop and much more but it may be difficult to convince a teenager, so she will play it by ear.  Maybe they can just walk around the Old Port after a nice dinner and see a late movie. That would be cool and since he is a night owl like she is, lateness is not an issue.  Getting up the next day may be more problematic but she is off from work for two days and he is off for the summer.  How she remembers those summer months.  It was a perfect time to read a novel or two and work on your suntan.  How times have changed with the ozone and the sun giving her rashes, she avoids it now.   Well, her bikini body has gone and left her too!

It rains almost every day.  The rainfall has drenched her flower pots and instead of seeing wild flowers, she picks a mushroom or two and throws it on the lawn.  This is the first year she has set up so many flower boxes and pots filled with herbs. Well, Basil is looking promising…good strong plant, that one!

It is mid-day and as she sits in the warm shade, listening to birds chirping and negotiating with their moms for naptime and then the loud piercing shrill of the cicadas quiets everything!  It reminds her of the noon time fire siren that would blare when she was a child in her hometown. The cicadas have a way of mesmerizing nature to a long-awaited nap and humans too seem to find their eyelids heavier after a meal…siesta time.

peonies hanging
bushes cradling each flower
grinning at the sun

peonies hanging
heavy with morning showers
raindrops on petals

bushes cradling each flower
spill over with affection
madonna and child

grinning at the sun
stretching wide
in gratitude

© Tournesol ‘19/07/02

Moving day in Québec

 

Daily Moments – June 2, 2019  Moving Day (troibun)

 

times of beauty (haiku)

gushing beauty
peonies hang lavishly
that time of year

©Tournesol’16/06/15

Daily Moments – June 15 ,2016  times of beauty (haiku)
Haiku Horizons `time`

It seems to be about the same time each year those lavish peonies show off their stuff. Looking through an old poem, June 10th last year I wrote Heavy Blossoms.

Daily Moments, Jan 15 2016 – Haughty peonies (troiku)

http://carpediemtroikuworld.blogspot.nl/2016/01/troiku-challenge-3.html

like a starlet
peonies bow lavishly
in the limelight

like a starlet
serving admirers
with her beauty

peonies bow lavishly
soaking up praise
humility tossed aside

in the limelight
even with wilted petals
beauty in God’s eyes

© Tournesol ’16/01/15

Daily Moments , this will have to count for Jan 15 

Her Lines – A Song For the Mother

The words are moving, his voice is filled with love and passion for our mother, Amma. Beautiful song and if you listen to the version on Spotify, the quality is superb!

The Seeker's Dungeon

Each time we tell ourselves we know what we’re getting into, but then we can’t breathe, can’t form the words to bring back the meaning into – when the world doesn’t flow to our beat anymore and the darkness carries on, we must remember why we stay strong –

I walk her lines because they’re beautiful – to see the world as she lays it out, to play the game as she laughs out loud, to caress her name with a sin tinged growl – I walk her line because they’re beautiful.

Take two steps – won’t you take to steps for me – wanna feel like I am king. And she’ll take two steps, and she’ll run one hundred more, cause she knows what we’re striving for: a truth we can believe in, a world beyond fear, where tears flow freely overwhelmed by a love so dear, where brothers…

View original post 48 more words

heavy blossoms (Troiku)

white peonies
luscious  blossoms spill
over balconies

white peonies
memories of her youth
when Mother was there

luscious blossoms spill
spreading their fragrance
nature’s free scents

over  balconies
river breeze cools
unclad beauty

© Tournesol ’15/edited 19/17/02

today to tomorrow and back ~Troibun ~ Daily Moments June 25 2019

(c) Clr’19/06/22 Chambly Rapids, Chambly, Quebec This fella stood so strong for at least twenty minutes on those teeny tiny legs despite the strong current, then flew to his island.

A wide mist covers the entire front lawn and hangs in the air a few long minutes…steady, wet but light. Then the wind picks up and mist turns to raindrops and the city workers in front get soaked! It’s a grey day today and the streets are wet and filled with puddles. Pedestrians risk getting splashed as the cars drive by way too fast, impatient to catch the light five houses down the road.


My feline friends are taking advantage of my day off and sleeping near me. I have caught up on some reading or more specifically discovering new blogs. I wish I had the time to visit my friends more often but I don’t so I drop by now and then and admire their talents. There are so many amazing photographers in this community that it is such a privilege to travel to various WordPress Galleries.

Today I will stick with photography and discovered this amazing blog…check out this post for you bird lovers at TinyLessonsBlog.

Thanks to MichelleMarie at TellMeAboutIt who is also an amazing photographer. and poet who shared a list of great blogs to discover. Later I may read a few poetry and story blogs if I have time. My grandson is coming over but then again, he is a teenager and may be plugged to some game or two rather than chat with Nana. That reminds me, I must make those brownies , suggested by Janice who also has a few blogs but I`ll share her blog of birds today at BirdBrain


What is so unique about this WordPress community is that I don’t even have to purchase a ticket to fly to any part of the world and visit awhile and get acquainted with “their world”.


Travelling solo
Visiting tomorrow lands
Returning today

Travelling solo
Strangers becoming friends
One blog at a time

Visiting tomorrow lands
Jumping from summer
To winter

Returning today
Travelling coast to coast
On one free ticket

© Tournesol ‘19/06/25

embracing the joy Troibun Daily Moments June 24 2019

(c) clr ’19/06/22 Chambly Rapids

Sitting on remnants of an old tree, she stretches her feet and rests them on the flat rock. Her toes dip into the cool water and she closes her eyes, allowing the river rapids to draw her in. Rumble, rumble, splash, spray, whoosh…hypnotic rhythm of the current.

Her mind is still not quite clear and she chants four Sanskrit words softly over and over and over. Her voice becomes part of the summer breeze and echoes over the waves. Soon, her mind is filled with memories of her mother smiling and laughing. The children are young and giggle at their Nanny as she sings a song with lyrics she makes up along the way.

many days have passed
hanging on a limb
ruminating

many days have passed
sadness and joy
woven in time

hanging on a limb
rumbling with the rapids
ambivalence flows

ruminating
pausing to appreciate
breathing in the joys

© Tournesol ‘19/06/24

Summer Solstice ~ Haibun ~ Daily Moments June 21 2019

 

Another grey day and it’s the first day of summer [sigh]. She worries the skies won’t clear and again tonight she will not see that beautiful, humongous full moon. Well, no reason to fret all day and at least it’s not raining …yet. The weather has been unusual in the past few years. Extreme cold winters that last for months on end and no spring…well, hardly a spring that is.

People joke and say we only have two seasons now, but she thinks there are three…winter, sprummer and autumn. Winter lasts 6 months and sprummer and autumn negotiate every year for what they can get.

Tomorrow is her mother’s birthday and every year since her passing in 2014, she has a tradition. She goes to a town where she raised her children and where her mother would also come for picnics by the river rapids. She sits on a rock with her feet in the water and chants her mantra to the waves, remembering her presence. Tears of joy and melancholy run down her cheek and mix with the river’s splashing from the strong current, the rapids and the dam.

This year she will bring her grandson to the rapids. He’s almost fifteen, and may find it boring…unless, he brings his fishing rod [twinkle in her eye].

behind grey veils
hanging with humility
my summer moon

© Tournesol 2019/06/21

reflections on Father’s Day ~ That Split Second Wink ~ Free Verse

Mom June 22, 1926-Dec 2, 2014

Mom is like a duvet
puffy feather filled pillows
cotton candy and chocolate sundae,
her voice is like silk
mixed with sparkles and glitter
and when I am sad or sick
she’s like warm milk and honey

he is like a painting
handsome and colourful
but unfeeling and cold
scratchy like a wool blanket
on a bed of cockleburs
BUT once in a blue moon
a wink that melts my heart
too bad winks last a split second…
how I wish a wink was infinite
eternal … everlasting!
now there’s just a faint memory
of that split-second wink
that faint smile and husky voice
calling me “kiddo”
making me feel 10ft tall.

Grand Papa

when I think of Father’s Day
I see Grand Papa crawling on the floor
pretending to be a lion
making me giggle and laugh so loud
holding me in his arms
rocking me in his favourite chair
love painted on every surface of his face
watching him jigging and playing the harmonica
loving him for the short time he was in my life…

img_6491

when I think of Father’s Day
I think of Uncle Bernie
he would smile, tickle and tease me
take me in his convertible with the top down
splash in his cool motorboat
even saved me in the river one day
he walked me down the aisle
on my wedding day, and…
will always be in my heart.

Uncle Fred & Aunt Mae

when I think of Father’s Day
I think of Uncle Fred too
he watched me get ready for my dates
when I was forty-five years old!
an overgrown teenager, starting out
all over again
he hugged me and warned me
not to give up my heart too quick,
was there to comfort me
when I took back my heart…mending it
he pushed me to do better
and believed in me

©Clr;17 Mom & Fred A true love story

when I think of Father’s Day
I think of my stepfather…Fred
the love of Mom’s life…a true Love Story
just like the movie and more…
he came to my high school graduation
even came to my college grad too
he and Mom celebrated my scholarship
with my very first drink…
of course, a Tom Collins for beginners
he paid for my wedding ceremony,
paced the floor when I was in labour …TWICE
he loved my mom so much
and that was our common bond

How lucky I was to have so many fathers
loving me, holding my heart in their hands
believing in me, comforting me,
how blessed I’ve been all my life!

© Clr ‘2019/06

Is time measurable ? (troibun)


How does one measure time? Really! Is it like having a set amount of “currency” when each person is born? Does it accumulate interest if you invest wisely? How old do you start to know what to do? What are the profit margins if you invest/save wisely? Does your childhood have an impact on losing/gaining “funds”? So many questions and too many subjective answers according to each person’s perception but especially according to their life experiences.


I know a few people that keep waiting for their “ship to come in”. Does that mean they have badly invested? Or does it mean they are sitting on a “nest egg” that eventually dissolves? Waiting for that lucky opportunity to come by. Envying others who “appear” to be happy and have fruitful lives. How is “fruitful” measured? It is evaluated according to that monster house you have or the children you have and grandchildren? Is it measured by how much you have helped people in your life despite the fact you may live in a shack…you are rich!


I remember in my mid-thirties, peers telling me how lucky I was to go back to university. Really? You call that luck to go to university, part-time raising two children and working at one to three part-time jobs and volunteering on 3 to 4 committees? No luck there, but hard work and perseverance, lugging psychology books to hockey games and cramming in as much studying when I could.


Then there are people who fight for free daycare,(although I do believe in a pro-ratio system) free university and free this and that pointing ugly fingers at people in the corporate world and lawyers for example. I remember asking one former colleague who had no desire to work more than 21 hours a week at 30 something of age. I could not understand that but then again, I come from a different generation, I guess. Here I am 67 and just starting to cut down my work hours to 21.


I do not expect government to pay everything for me nor do I appreciate getting overtaxed like we are in this province. When I mention that some of these corporate lawyers or business people may work a 16 hour DAY, some people just don’t get it.


Now how did we get to that place of judging life’s accomplishments?! Oh yes, time and how one may measure it. Hmm, I suppose you can waste “time” and miss out on “golden” opportunities. Not everything is “handed down to you”. Not everyone wins the lottery and for those who do, so many end up right back their original way of living a few years later because habits just die hard, don’t they?


Time seems forever when you are a child. Your parents at 30 something seem old and your grandparents seem way too old to imagine you will ever get there and great-grandparents seem to be a wink away from death…to a child I mean, of course.


Last week I watched my uncle as he moved slowly filled with arthritis and osteoporosis. He is 91. His head moves forward and his back is completely bent over as he moves tentatively on his legs that may give way any moment. I am only 23 years younger than him and I wonder if I could live like that. He is so determined and resilient despite the pain he experiences each waking moment. He has his partner to help him. She is already 90 but physically in good form even though her mind may seem to be slowly fading but whose mind is not at that age! You often have to repeat to her but then again when she was 40 or 50 or 60, she did not always listen very well. Heck my mind trails off when someone is talking to me for a while…my kids hate it! They say, “I can’t believe you’re a counsellor when you can’t even listen to me!” Well, on my day off, I suppose, I allow my mind to wander is the only excuse I can give. [chuckles sheepishly]


Listening is not always easy for people. I wonder if my aunt had ADD like I do. Of course I was never diagnosed in the 50’s but just labeled as a dreamer in class. My dear aunt is an artist and creative people can be pretty unique. In the 1940’s to 1960’s, good heavens, most youths did not get diagnosed with any form of learning difference. Why, even people with dyslexia slipped through the cracks in those days. How awful for those people who thought they were just not smart enough to be able to read and savour books like I did. I was a slow reader though and my mind could drift and I would have to reread a page a few times to get the gist of it. It was as if my mind had two or three minds working at the same time in that brain of mine, and all the chatter cluttered that space. I think that is probably the best way to describe me.


If I had to measure “time” spent reading chapters for university, I would guesstimate I took at least three times as long to study and write papers. But I got there eventually starting a new career at 39 years old! All the years prior, I did similar work but as a volunteer…imagine the pride and joy when I got my first “paying” job teaching in a high school for five years! After that, it got tricky to get work and so my uncle and aunt who are now in their 90’s encouraged me to not “waste time” since I was getting older and to start my career over in another province where there were more possibilities and politics was not as much in the way as it was here.

Within a few years, I fast tracked, yes, I was able to be in a place that I would gladly have volunteered…I would have worked here for free because I believe in the service. How lucky is that?


So in the past two decades, “time has flown” by so quickly because I spent most of my “waking time” working in a career I have such passion for. I volunteered as well but always chose areas I wanted to learn, grow and enjoy myself. So when John Lennon said, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” I suppose in my case, I am living the life I was once so busy making plans for. And in the process of studying to get there, I was still advocating and volunteering for things I believed in.


Hmm, writing this little piece has allowed me to realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.


time
endless – infinite
when you’re waiting

time
a wink away
death

endless – infinite
in a place called “pain”
or hell

when you’re waiting
the mind crawls
a snail’s pace
© Tournesol ‘06/11/2019

Daily Moments – June 11 2019

Thank you to The Muscleheaded for posting Tennesse Wiliams quote which inspired this piece. “Time is the longest distance between two places.”

Daily moments bittersweet encounter troibun

Celebrating his 91st birthday was truly special. She had taken the train early in the morning to make it to her uncle’s home for dinner.  She had time to change at her B & B and arrived for the birthday dinner her cousin had arranged. 

Heaviness weighed upon her seeing how much he had changed…so frail yet a mind still vibrant and brilliant.

 a father
like I never knew
slowly fading
 
a father
caregiver – nurturer
like none other
 
like I never knew
embracing precious moments
he was like my dad
 
slowly fading
body can stand just so much
trying to hang on
 
©Tournesol ‘19/06/07

Steel melodies (haibun)

(C) Clr’19 Brockville, On.

Riding on the train from Montreal to Toronto is a long ride but it’s a train and nothing is more comfortable for long rides up to 5 hours.

She was raised in a train town [hog town they called it for the railroad engineers]. Trains passed through her little town a dozen times a day. There were at least six passenger trains that went to Montreal which was about 40 minutes away and too many freight trains that passed, stopped, shunted and road at a snail’s pace every day.  The shunting could wake you up at night sounding like thunder booming in your bedroom…no kidding!

There were freight trains that could hold up the town forever and block streets and prevent people from getting home in time for lunch or home at night in time before curfew…if you had one of those.

Looking back at those days, she considered herself pretty lucky. Her mother would let her and her sister go out weekends and come home when they were ready. She would simply whisper, “I trust you darling.” And THAT killed any mischief they might consider.

So back on this train, she could not get over how comfortable the newer trains were these days. Wow!! So much leg room for an economy class and the seats were leather and sleek…real fancy! What she loved most were the panoramic windows where you could see forever and just stare off in the distance and let your imagination run wild.

She was going to see her family, celebrating her uncle’s 91st birthday today! He was like a dad to her. She had lived with them for a month twenty years ago so she could save first and last month’s rent and found a place less than thirty minutes from her family and fifteen minutes to downtown Toronto. She loved this city. It held so many memories, both good and tough times but still, it was a place she truly grew when she moved here in her mid forties. Now she was just visiting…she would stay in Oakville for a few days to see her family. She would be staying in a B & B just off Lake Ontario.

The rest of her trip would be be in mid-town Toronto in another B & B in the same borough where her dad live the last years before moving on to different dimensions. It would be nice visiting that neighbourhood. She had fond memories of a few places she loved to go dancing not too far from her dad’s complex. His apartment was called ” Montgomery Place” but he joked calling it “Montgomery Morgue” because everyone was over 65 and from the looks of many of the residents, they were well into their late seventies. Many turned in for the night before eight and her dad was a night owl like herself. She wondered if she could stand living in a place like that when life (to her) began after nine at night and ended just before the sun came out the birds started clearing their throats for the day’s concert.

She sat back and looked out at the trees rushing by and allowed time to stand still…

(C) Clr’19

Rumble of the train

Lullaby of her childhood

Mumbling “peace”

(c) Tournesol 31/05/2019

Daily Moments – steel melodies

ostinato purrs (haibun) daily moments

©Clr’16

Hearing an old song from the 1990’s brought her back to fond memories. She was back in her 1984 Renaud V driving one of her children from a sleepover. A song started that they both liked (correction, Mom loved) and arriving home before the song had ended, she puts her car back in first gear and drives around the block until it ends. A smile is painted across her face now as she thinks about those times.


Music has allowed her to connect in some ways with her children. Her son had a rich eclectic selection of music and one was 1970’s Rock genre especially when he was playing guitar. She grew up moving to the beat of Motown, and so getting a chance to appreciate Zeppelin and Hendrix twenty years later were some of the benefits of having children.


Her daughter had joined a children’s choir in her preteens and she too opened her to classical music and allowed her to share her love of musicals with her daughter. She remembers going to Les Misérables in Toronto when her daughter was sixteen and looking over to see her face, now and then, as she was silently lip-singing.


She remembers having a block birthday party for her son when he turned five and playing Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” vinyl album and the kids thought that was so cool!


It is so amazing how music brings you back in time like that. She remembers lying on a blanket at her friend, Jane’s place, when she was twelve, studying for finals and listening to the hit parade on a transistor radio. They both vowed that day that they would always listen to the hit parade even as old as 40 years old! She chuckles at their perception of “old age” at that time.


Now she is a “senior” but still appreciates a variety of music. Indies folk acoustic is probably equal to her Motown love these days. Mainstream music does not attract her as much, so she probably left the “hit parade” scene in her early 50’s. Well, at least she kept her promise…listened to Mainstream popular music well passed her 40’s! [She smiles wondering if Jane still remembers that vow]


Music brings you back in time like the snap of fingers.  It is magic, allowing you to travel back in time on that musical flying carpet. She can remember what she was doing and where she was when an old song is playing…some feelings of joy or melancholy wrap her for the duration of that song. This is something she also noticed when visiting her mother at the nursing home those last years.


When she would walk into her room, her mother eyes stared at the blank wall until she popped in a CD of Oscar Peterson, Frank Sinatra or Judy Garland. When she was still able to walk, they would dance and her mother would lip sing the songs. How she loved those moments and that is why she decided to include a few items in her living will…music and books.


She listed artists from the 1970’s up to the 1990’s to create a playlist if EVER her mind did drift away. As for books, well there is a list of English and French authors she likes (such as Atwood, Chaim Potok, Michel Tremblay, Eric-Emmanuel Schmitt, Khaled Hosseini, Lawrence Hill, Anne Rice, Barbara Kingsolver, Linda Hill, Julie Parenteau, Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, Sreejit Poole) and a note to get a volunteer to visit her at a nursing home once or twice a week to read to her.


She created this to make her life tolerable and sometimes even enjoyable but mostly to try and avoid having her adult children feel obliged to visit if they are too busy and not to feel guilty because she wouldn’t know the difference as long as she had her music and her books.


Music, hopefully would cradle her like her mother’s lullabies when her time comes…if not, she has also a few mantras on her playlist…soothing songs in Sanskrit.
Her feline friend snuggles up close to her as they both relax to soothing music…


ping of a guitar
ripple of ivory keys
ostinato purrs

© tournesol ’19-05-25

all in a day’s work (troibun) Daily Moments May 17 2019

Today was the day she was having  minor surgery on her big toe. Oh boy, she could not help but worry about the pain. She really hates pain. She has been tolerating it throughout her body for decades but her big toe…oh my, that was such an acute pain. She remembers when she was pregnant for her second child, she had a plantar wart under her big toe. Her doctor tried to remove it unsuccessfully with dry ice…OUCH…burrrrn!! Then she heard about a surgeon at a local hospital did this regularly. Why not? It would be over and done with for good since surgically the doctor would see the root of that sucker.

The needle to freeze her was brutal and the doctor lacked compassion. The weeks following were very uncomfortable. She could feel her heart beating in her big TOE! Thankfully she had her two-year-old son who brought a cane to her when she needed to get up. He was such a great helper all throughout her pregnancy.

Now today she kept thinking of that damn needle and it worried her. So what do you do when you have 5 hours to kill? — clean the apartment. May as well get it ship shape so when she returned if she needed to keep her foot UP, her place would be tidy and dust free.

She really liked her podiatrist. Last year when she was on the verge of burning out and her work refused her doctor’s letter for time off…she would go for a pedicure and cry throughout the appointment.

Today, she felt she would not need that kind of support and she felt much stronger emotionally. Nah, she would not be crying today.

The podiatrist pricked her toe once, twice and then three times. It hurt but she did it slowly, just like her dentist does. Yeah, she is special. After twenty minutes, the podiatrist returns ready to snip away but she could feel the knife…nope, one more needle here and then one more there. After a few minutes she tried and nope, the bugger still felt pain. Darn! After two more shots, she finally was able to get it done. And yes, her toe is quite big!

During the procedure she talked about how her work had celebrated a 30-year anniversary last night and yet she felt sad. She had read about a young boy who had ended his life despite having given all his friends virtual messages that he would no longer be in this world. His friends told their parents, but nothing was done. She could not help but think of him yesterday when they were cutting that anniversary cake. Somehow it did not feel celebratory.

Suddenly, she felt tears running down her cheeks. The podiatrist asked her if she may be suffering from PTSD hearing so many traumatic stories. “No,” she said, “I think today I was thinking of my friend whose son took his life 19 years ago today. I met her over ten years ago and I find when it is personal, close to me, it is harder to set boundaries.”

As she was doing her “thing” or “magic” on her big toe, she was thinking about Adam. Gee, 19 years ago is when she started working at this helpline. People often tell her how great it is what she does for a living. She cannot help thinking of the ones who did not make it and hope there will be a time where there is not one ounce of stigma on mental health. She dreams of a time where a complete medical check up includes a mental health check up and that when a youth misses school for a week or two or even months for mental health reasons, it is not misjudged but treated by society as a broken leg that gets treated, goes through physical rehab and in time gets strong and sturdy again. And for those fractures that may cause rheumatism and long-term treatment, that too will not be criticized.

After big toe procedure completed, she limped to the pharmacy to get some items and on her way back to the bus stop, she noticed her bandage somehow, just flew off in the wind. Good thing the bus came early! What a day!

Looking back on her day, she wonders if perhaps her work may be pulling on her heartstrings more and more in the past few years. The productivity is so overwhelming that now there may be casualties on both sides of the lines.

playing catch-up
only keeping them at bay
putting out fires

playing catch-up
“Hello, how can I help you?”
twenty wait in queue

only keeping them at bay
child abuse, grief, depression,
suicide taunts them

putting out fires
spreading like wildfire
one at a time

Who can see
beyond the flames?
hell populates

© Tournesol ‘19/05/17
Daily moments all in a day’s work Troibun May 17 2019

Originally posted at StigmaHurtsEveryone

trust your instincts haibun

They called her Wolf Girl on the psych ward at the hospital . No one had been able to approach her …much. She was like a wild animal. If you came too close to her, she would howl; if she was hungry she would stand at your table, looking at your tray with the puppy dog eyes, no one could refuse her. The staff was curious about her but all, without exception, fell in love with her especially when she would curl up into a ball in the fetus position on the centre of her bed…thumb in mouth, lights ON. If ever a staff member felt pity for anyone sleeping with those bright neon lights and turned it off in her room, she would sit up, howling, eyes wide, holding on to her blanket for dear life. 

Her name was Torey.  Child services brought her in 3 months ago to Emergency for a check up and after examination by doctors as well as the psycho-educator in chief, they assumed she would get her discharge no later than 3 days (which was customary in “those” cases). But she never got that release and Dr. Shelley, the Psycho-Educator in chief would not release her. She had a different reason at each court hearing…this last one was selective mutism, and that this youth was sexually assaulted multiple times for years.

Torey was 11 by now but what did,   “hell did multiple times for years” even mean?  Dr. Shelley just knew that this child should NOT be placed in foster care without guarantees she would be safe.   The system had failed her in the past when this child had put her trust in adults who should have kept her safe.  Dr. Shelley knew there were NO such guarantees.  She  took it upon herself to ensure she remain the ward of the court and in the children’s psychiatric ward indefinitely.  She had hope that some day soon, she just may make a breakthrough. Torey may decide to talk.

It was December 24th,  three and a half months since Torey’s admission, and she was in her daily interview with Dr. Shelley. This therapist had a unique approach with youths with selective mutism.  Her past 10 years of experience working solely with teens who had autism spectrum had given her a new skill…EEP.  Her colleagues, mostly professors at the local university scoffed at her when she said it was actually a skill that had to be learned with working with “exceptional” youths.  EEL stands for Exceptional Empathetic Listening skills.  Dr. Shelley had a knack of drawing out the most difficult and resistant child into trusting her enough to start talking…even if it was one hour a day, that was a miracle in many cases she had worked on.

Torey was different. She was brilliant. She had a way of knowing what adults were thinking and what they needed. This is how they discovered her exceptional talent or sixth sense you. 

One day, Nurse Grant, who had been working on the pediatric ward on the psychiatric section for 20 years,  walked on the floor with a limp wearing tinted glasses.  Staff all inquired with sympathy what had happened to her over the weekend and she just brushed them off with a, “Ah just clumsy old me bumped into the glass bus shelter. With the darn sleet and snow mingled, I could not see an inch in front of me and I banged the corner of my left eye and slipped and sprained my ankle. Enough said, no need for pity from anyone, so I got these glasses to avoid your mushy sad looks. Now ya’ll get to work!”  She did have a bit of a bark and everyone went back to work. No one asked her again and most of the staff avoided looking at her in the eye…or rather, glasses…except for Torey.  She looked at her suspiciously, sucking her thumb. She circled around her looking up at her and raised her eyebrow. 

Then she followed Nurse Grant into the nurse’s lobby and sat right next to her on the couch while she sipped her coffee. Torey looked up and did the most surreal thing…she spoke! “He gave it to you, didn’t he?” she said  in a raspy voice. Nurse Grant almost spilled her coffee and looked at Torey wide eye, in shock.

“What are you talkin’ about young lady?!”

But Torey did not balk nor did she feel intimidated by Nurse Grant’s harsh tone.  She just looked up at her with those puppy dog eyes and gave Nurse Grant a hug, whispering in her ear, “I know what them do to you.”

Nurse Grant froze at first, then relinquished to this precious moment because she had a feeling that Torey did, in fact, know.  Torey’s compassion melted her heart.

Later that afternoon, Dr. Shelley was advised about Torey’s first spoken words in private by Nurse Grant who had to come clean of her own personal circumstances. 

Dr. Shelley, called Torey to her office.

“Well, now, Torey. You certainly gave us a bit of a surprise today and I have to say a very nice surprise. I want to thank you.” 

Torey had arrived arms crossed, ready to keep her silence but was cut off guard when Dr. Shelley was thanking her.  She dropped her arms to her side and raised an eyebrow and waited…she was the prize of detectives…she had to know for sure…

Dr. Shelley continued, “Torey, Nurse Grant has been in an abusive relationship for years and no one but no one has ever had the courage to confront her and plead with her to get out and to a safer environment. Today, Nurse Grant came up to me asking to live in the nurses’ quarters for the night staff temporarily until she finds a new apartment.  I want to thank you for doing something not one counsellor, nurse, doctor or psychologist was able to do until you did.”

Torey stared at her, sizing what she had just heard, and took her usual seat in front of Dr. Shelly’s arm chair and said, “Yeah, well, it’s about time she left that f…..g loser. She deserves better.”

That was the first session Torey felt she could trust Dr. Shelley and started disclosing the sexual abuse she had been exposed to by her father from the age of 7 to 10 and the abuse in foster care the months following her removal from her home.

Trust had to be earned.  Torey was not fool enough to trust just anyone; she knew who could be trusted and she chose to speak to Nurse Grant because she saw an ally…a soldier in the fight against abuse  in her.  As for Dr. Shelley, well, Torey, knew she had an exceptional way of listening and she was just waiting for the right moment to feel she could actually trust her.





 the frog tries to help
a scorpion cross the river
an act of kindness

halfway to the other side
scorpion shows its true nature

smell cunning cruelty
even words soaked in honey
instincts are wiser

©Tournesol 2016









free rides to Kerala Troibun

Images floated in her mind of travelling from Nepal to the South of India to Kerala. Visiting Amma at her ashram would be her last stop. She could feel a smile form on her face visualizing her warm embrace whispering in her ear as tears of joy rolled down Oliana’s cheeks. That image made her feel at peace.

floating by lagoons
soaring over mountaintops
magic carpet ride

floating by lagoons
rivers and lakes form paths
on the way to joy

soaring over mountaintops
dipping in the saltwater
Arabian Sea

magic carpet ride
free and fancy as can be
in her mind’s eye

© Tournesol ‘19/05/14

Daily Moments May 14 2019 free rides to Kerala

music in her ears (solo renga) daily moments May 6/2019


Rediscovering
Melodies coming back home
Shrill of cicadas
 
Chicks nestling for midday nap
Hear the chirps of resistance
 
Smile upon her face
old woman sipping java
her first spring concert

(c) Tournesol ’19/05/06

Daily moments music in her ears. May 6/2019

reflections ~ a cherita

A kilo or two of oversights 

Ten thousand grams of mortar 
Ten thousand grams of sand 
 
hundreds of buckets of dirty water 
Cleansing unforgiving sins 
Absolution weighed in stone 
 ~~~

People gathered with shredded tissues 
 
lip-syncing foreign prayers 
Mea culpa misunderstood 
 
A generation passed 
another cycle of life 
continues 

(c) Cheryl-Lynn '19/04/27
daily reflections April 27 2019

Daily reflections April 27 2019 a brick of guilt A Cherita


 
Missing two years of her life feels like an eternity 

Losing those first kisses and breaking curfew
Butterflies and broken hearts 
 
Can never recapture those years 
Guilt multiplied by a ten 
Remorse will weigh her to her grave 
 
~~~ 
 
Feeling her rage bubbling under-skin

Passive aggressive innuendos 
Violence escalates in overindulgence 
 
Never a confrontation 
Too scared to fess up and break in pieces 
Still ignoring that fucking elephant 

(c) Cheryl-Lynn  27/04/19
 
 

Easter Chrysanthemums (troibun)

(c) Clr Easter 2019

The family gathers together celebrating Easter with a traditional French-Canadian meal. Children are nearing middle age and grands are teens, too cool to laugh at Nana’s silly jokes…the stages of life surround the dining table. Erickson would have a thing or two to say about this. A daughter who never forgets her mom’s favourite flowers, tying the feast with a ribbon of love.

Blossoms reminisce
Travelling through time
Mums the word

Blossoms reminisce
Recalling
Her first step

Travelling through time
Entertaining her with love
Brother and sister

Mums the word
Stretching their necks
Beaming with pride

© Tournesol ‘19-04-23

Daily Moments  April 23 2019

Classic Editor PLEASE, WordPress!

I know many may enjoy the Block editor of WordPress but I only like it if I am writing ONLY a poem…in general I do not like it. I have tried it. I have familiarized myself with it and seen the positive side of it BUT I STILL PREFER CLASSIC EDITOR

What I find frustrating is that I do not seem to have the option to keep it ON CLASSIC.  I do NOT LIKE IT AT ALL!!

THERE..[huffs a long sigh] I’ve vented.

THE END

When it ain’t broke
DON’T
fix it!

blowing in the wind (troiku) Daily Moments

 
weaving all night long
elements rip it apart
hanging by a thread
 
weaving all night long
bedding for her offspring
youths are worth the risk
 
elements rip it apart
claiming better policies
hot air in the wind
 
hanging by a thread
knowing what truly matters
bleeding is the heart
(c) Tournesol '19 04 17

who said life’s even fair? (free verse)

Painting by Mae Giroux, Oakville, On. (my dear aunt)

 
she must get to sleep! 
in less than an hour 
bloody birds will peep 
chirping away with joy 
waiting for a new dawn 
but, 
for an insomniac 
their fervor makes  her yawn 
sometimes makes her go mad! 
 
still 
she must sleep 
in four hours the alarm will buzz 
grating at her every pore 
beep beep beep beep beep 
digging deep under her skin
annoying bleeping thing! 
 
today she returns to work 
a five day break she took 
away from tears 
away from pain 
away from fears 
abusive grownups 
hurting them in vain 
controlling 
and narcissistic 
crushing vulnerable souls
killing all their hopes 
sometimes they want to die 
it seems 
their only way  
out of such misery... 
 
unless 

her colleagues and she
together with the youth
they choose  
another plan 
they’ll live on one condition 
those bleeping grownups 
will be reported 
 
the cops will come 
and bring their troops 
youth workers and the like 
 
 
and yet, 
 
more time will run its course 
over days and weeks and months 
until this youth is truly safe 
from physical, 
sexual 
and emotional harm
 
but n’er from their nightmares
and not from all their wounds 
no, indeed that takes 
an entire lifetime 
they’ll start the healing process 
a little bit here and there 
a break for a while 
trying to ignore the pain 
reprieve from all those memories 
 
and on and on it goes 
the victim pays a lifetime 
assailant n’er enough time!
 
who said life’s even fair? 
the wounded try to mend 
their broken and bruised souls 
abusers lick their wounds 
playing victim of their sins 
pleading time they've served,
too bad, they'll usually win!
who said life’s even fair?

...one last yawn,
reciting her Hail Mary's
an Act of Contrition
and prays for a better day.
(c) Cheryl-Lynn '19/01/06
edited April 17, 2019

all one and the same (haibun)

Awakened by the lovely sound of birds chirping made her hope it might be sunny today.  It is! Her friend meows in protest for having shut her bedroom door earlier in the morning.  She chatters away expressing her discontent with a hint of hope to be stroked, fed and stroked some more.

The sky is a darker blue than most seasons…not quite cobalt but close with pearly billows drifting by accentuating the hues of this majestic sky.

sea of blue above
islands shaped in pearly greys
beg my surrender

She had moved her laptop in the living room so she could watch a movie last night and fires it up always curious to see the haiku prompt of the day at Carpe Diem Haiku kai.   In the past few months she has not been as regular contributing and she misses her haijin family.  Yesterday she took the time to visit a few siblings and cousins homes around the world in the blogosphere.

Her thoughts wander to a friend who is in San Ramon today and will be seeing Amma at her retreat. How she misses her warm and healing embrace.  Some call her a guru, others call her a hugging saint…she feels she is all of these and more. Her healing touch, her soothing smile, her words of wisdom and mostly her way of living by loving, giving tirelessly to humanity makes her heart swell.   Amma has a way of looking at you and making you see the beauty within. How she does it is a mystery or is it?  She does not preach laws but models compassion and asks us to see the light we all have within.

Her mind drifts off to sounds of various bhjans songs and the tabla drumming to her heartbeat.  Its echo makes her feel the divine beauty reflected from within.   So many instruments mimic nature and human sounds;  her Celtic spirit awakens with strings,  flutes and drums that soften her heart.  Drum circles come to mind and First Nations People who have become her conscious, reminding her to be good to Mother Earth.

© Pinterest

She looks at her mala beads and remembers hearing Amma say last year, “We are all beads strung on the same string of love.”   She tries to remember this daily.  The image of several homeless people who sit along her path to work come to mind.   Some speak French, English, Créole, Arabic or Spanish but she knows they all understand the same language…compassion.

sound of the drum
listen to the heart beat
all, one and the same

© Tournesol’15/11/14

Carpe Diem Extra Shaman

2013!?!! I’m richer than I thought!

wpid-20130102_175621.jpgIt seems that I have written a blog not too long ago wishing folks a happy new year…but that was actually a whole year ago. My oh my, how time flies!  Yes, I know we always seem to say this…especially older people like me.  I would like to take a few moments (lines) to go over this past year with you and share some insights I have learned along the way.

This past year started with positive energy.  maria me and BeaI spent time with good friends in Ontario and Quebec celebrating my birthday.   In Toronto, we are 3 amazing women  {umm, yeah, I am including moi in hereJ} who try to keep up a tradition , celebrating Princess Leja  who has a birthday in November, Bella Donna’s in January and  me, Toronto Mamma or Darling (as Bella Donna calls me) in March.

Um, rewind please… Upon arrival in Toronto, at that time, a dear friend, colleague and funny character all around…Pat …{like Saturday Night Live, I’ll let you guess if this person is a guy or a gal:)}  met me at the bus terminal.

I took the overnight bus Montreal to Toronto to save time but not thinking of the wear and tear of my back.  However,  it does give me occasions to spend “awake time” with friends and family. 

Pat met me even if this was a day off from work.  I was treated to lunch and although the food was good, I have to say, the stories this person comes out with can make your sides and tummy muscles ache from sheer exertion.  Yes, Pat definitely missed her calling in making millions on Saturday Night Live.

I`m thankful for friends who make me laugh, who listen when I need to talk and who are not disturbed when I need to shed some tears.

This past year I am happy for turning one working relationship into a close sisterly friendship.  We must have been something profoundly close in a past life.   What a joy to share in her new loving relationship and preparing for her celebration of this promised love…wedding…shopping for her dress…… shopping for more intimate pieces…ahaha taking pics on my mobile for her approval of marie wedding oct 20 2012 and mesaid items!…Oh, yeah,  good times, good times !!..being a part of her enthusiasm that became like an infectious blanket that swaddled me with her new found love and gave me tiny bread crumbs along the way… of hope…even believing in love again or open to give it a chance.

Ah and H**** being there so often for me with dinners at your apartment, brunches at a restaurant and a fun trip to Drummondville where I stayed up most of the night chatting with D***…lest we forget laughing so hard watching Gilles LaTulippe in his comic splendor!

I crossed a major milestone in 2012 and my loving son and daughter in law spoiled me with a feast in their home…almost burned all my hair and their house to the ground blowing out all those damn candles…but hey, ya gotta have something eventful happen EVEN at my age!Oli et Virg march 2012

I`m also grateful to have such a great cousin and his parents…his son whom I love and thanks to that my cousin`s good choice in an amazing woman to be his wife…my friend and sister. Going to Oakville is like going back home to see mom and dad (Ma Tante Mae et Fred); my cousin  is like a protective brother, his father and mother in law feel like family to me too…yup, it`s that wise choice Wardy made again having that amazing wife in his life!Fall2005FamilyMaeFred_12

Rory

 I am thankful for many things but an Easter  holiday meal sticks to me,  with my special friends Annette and Yves.  I felt like I had rewound back the time machine last April…sitting with their children and grandchildren too…all of which treated me with as much fondness and kindness as a blood relative… how I am rich with loving people in my life!

2012 Spring came in with thunder and fury in other parts of my life…my mixed emotions wrapped me up with much grief and sadness for a while.  It`s almost like the Great Spirit was telling me to take a break and do some Spring cleaning in my life.   And yet, with difficult journeys to cross often come insightful lessons along the way…IF you are open to explore and discover.  And on this bumpy road, I journeyed…but never ever alone.

I learned that to err and be human is okay…to forgive myself is okay…to embrace the arms that want to hold me may be new and strange…but oh so comforting!  And so I allowed special people to enter my life (a few colleagues and former colleagues) support me so I don`t fall, hold me so I don`t break and nurture me so the soul does not starve.  Let me not forget those few special colleagues and a few supervisors along the way that showed compassion and embraced me many times with their flexibility and their concern…You know who you are…merci!

I am blessed to have young and not so young peeps in my life who often walked into my life at the right moment…do I really believe in coincidence?  Well, call it what you want…destiny?…fate?  Nah, it`s simply being open to explore and relish in the comfort of amazing folks…Merci mes amies!

I have fond memories of L**** making a French braid in the kitchen at work one evening.  You listened to my story and did not flee when those tears flowed…ah, the comforting feeling of having someone fix your hair…mom did this so often…how I miss her too.  Oh! And A***** those talks where we both shared profound stories on relationships and life.  Let`s not forget that little trip up North…not too far North however, far enough to get me lost…ahahaha.

My dearest “Sainte Annette”  who took me into her home many many times; Olivier and his girlfriend {who seems more like a daughter to me}, allowed me to share many many Wednesday evenings …little did they know at that time how much those soft ball games and chats with Virg fed my soul with the right amount of love and wellness that this recipe was for emotional healing.  Thank you.

bill trying to find a spotTheir pets became my kids to hug and love…my days pet sitting became a part of my final recovery and

to be completed with a week at my favourite Bed & Breakfast  A & Y, me and annettewith Annette me in dress annette made for mewho taught me to hope again. Spending hours watching her sew with loving patient hands, was like a communion of sorts…how warm and memorable that was for me. I so enjoyed those talks…

I learned that the simplest things in life can mend a broken heart…a loving friend (wife, mother, grandmother, sister) creating a masterpiece out of sheer genius = love + creativity…que tu es bonne pour moi!

I discovered from watching a great Italian chef for a few days in her kitchen was a revelation of sorts…learning how this donna bella put so much time, love and patience in her cookery…for her family, for her friends.  We spent hours commiserating in her kitchen, smelling spices…then feasting on decadence …but that was not merely due to the our tastes buds being quenched but feeling the love among this family sharing a meal…they too embraced my presence as I did theirs.  Thanks, Maria for making me laugh, allowing me space to cry and even debriefing some of our calls that we often don`t get around to at work…I too am a better person with you in my life.

I am thankful for having an understanding and amazing friend, Lise L.,  who coached me and sometimes scolded me to think more about me…so many comforting and soothing phone visits with this remarkable woman, friend, former colleague…I only got to visit in person twice in her home and once in hospital…but those moments were not spared of laughter, deep conversations and mind provoking discourses.

Thanks for all your love and support, I recovered and discovered a new me…I learned to be selfish and love myself anew and want to listen to my inner voice…Hey! I deserve to be happy and maybe it`s time to make time for me also as a woman …a human being…and not only a mother, a counsellor or volunteer and to add more spice and everything nice (sorry for the chiché…groan!) in my life.

I started with baby steps……got me a cat at a rescue shelter last September who I renamed Bette, my mom’s anglo name.  We tiptoed around each other for a few months and now she is one heck of an affectionate love purring machine! Once we were a

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good match, I found I was still lacking a little something-something…started dating again…that will be for another blog…stay tuned:)543447_283899118392016_782678981_n

When the soul heals, the heart opens…I am grateful I am giving this journey another chance…and enjoying it day by day, sometimes one hour at a time…and just being.

Happy New Year friends, family and colleagues…you know who you all are…some live far faraway  and some are very close by while others are just in between here and thereJ…thank you for touching my heart…my soul.

I hope to carry some of my new found wisdom over to 2013…and look forward to taste and savour life…

P.S. I`m thankful for friends who make me laugh, who listen when I need to talk and who are not disturbed when I need to shed some tears.  I know I have not named everyone here are a few who have touched my soul….Jason for being a friend as well as a great manager and knowing  how to separate the two, Debbie, Nicole, Pat, Pat T., Patrcia, Maria, Annie, Virg, Olivier, Annette,  Alain, Yves, Val L, Marie, Regine, Laurence, Andréanne, Huguette, Diane, Dianne, Peggy, Jacques, Lise, Bea, JennyO, Michelle D & G, Janice, Réal, Tante Gisele, Noémie, Fred, Aunt Mae, Armand,  Karen, Ward, Rory, Edward, Robin:), Anthony…umm, I guess I AM like Scotia Bank “I`m richer than I thought!!”

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Il me semble que j’ai écrit un blog il n’y a pas trop longtemps souhaitant une bonne et heureuse année à tout le monde… mais en fait  une année au complet est passée…wow!

OMG (Oh My God!) comme le temps passe vite! Oui, je sais que nous disons cela souvent; particulièrement,  les personnes âgées comme moi.   Enfin, je voudrais prendre quelques instants (lignes) pour partager quelques impressions que j’ai apprises en cours de route.

Cette dernière année a commencé avec une énergie positive. J’ai passé du temps avec de bons amis en Ontario et au Québec pour fêter mon anniversaire .

À Toronto, nous sommes 3 femmes extraordinaires {euh, ouais, cela m’inclus aussi :D} qui tentent de maintenir une tradition en célébrant nos anniversaires de naissance.  Il y a Princesse Leja qui a son anniversaire en novembre, Bella Donna en Janvier et moi en mars,  la Maman de Toronto ou Trésor (comme Bella Donna m’appelle souvent) …maria me and Bea

Euh, rembobinez le disque s’il vous plaît …((((((((((((( rewind))))))))))) À mon arrivée à Toronto, un ami très cher, un collègue et drôle de personnage… Pat ,{ comme à la télé,  Saturday Night Live, je vous laisse deviner si cette personne est un gars ou une fille :D} est venu me rencontrer dès mon arrivé.

J’avais pris l’autobus de nuit Montréal-Toronto pour gagner du temps, mais ne pensant pas à la cubature de mon dos (Ayoy!!) … mais ça me donne plus d’occasion de  profiter de mes journées parmi ma famille et mes amis.

Pat m’a rencontré au terminus ,(se déplacer pour moi durant un congé de son travail!). Pat m’a traiter à un brunch incroyable …quel délice!   Bien que la nourriture fût bonne, je dois dire, les histoires que cette personne partage ont fait travailler mes côtes et les muscles abdominal tant que j’ai ri!  Oui, Pat aurait fait des millions $$$ sur le programme de télé, Saturday Night Live simplement en partageant quelques histoires et anecdotes de sa vie.

Je dois dire que je suis reconnaissante pour les gens qui me font rire, qui m’ont écouté et encourager, et pour ceux et celles que ne sont pas déranger quand j’avais besoin de verser des larmes.

Et L****, tu te souviens la dernière fois tu m’ a offert ton écoute…en me faisant une belle tresse française…travailler dans les cheveux est aussi thérapeutique, comme maman me faisait si souvent…qu’elle me manque!  Et A**** nos échanges très profondes sur les relations et la vie. Notre petite balade dans le Nord…mais pas trop loin mais assez que je me perds…ahahaha

Je suis heureuse aussi,  d’avoir transformé une relation de travail  à une relation profonde et sincère. Tu te reconnais sûrement ma belle M***** et je dirais même que cette amitié est quasiment fraternelle.  marie wedding oct 20 2012 and meNous devions avoir quelque chose de très proche dans une vie antérieure.   Le penses-tu aussi?  Quelle joie de partager ton nouvel amour et la préparation de cette célébration de cet union… Oh que le shopping pour ta robe et accessoires tel que des morceaux plus intimes…ahaha, tu te souviens que je prenais des photos sur mon mobile pour ton approbation de dites items…ahahah  good times, good times !!   Et, tout cela en  faisant partie de ton enthousiasme exubérant m’a apparue comme une bonne douillette m’emmitouflant  avec ton amour pour la vie et ton amoureux 😀 ;  ET,  t’a  même laissé des miettes de pains minuscules tout au long de ce trajet, Merci M!!… des miettes d’’espoir … des miettes pour me faire croire en amour de nouveau.

J’ai franchi une étape majeure en 2012 et mon cher fils et belle-fille aimante m’ont gâté avec une célébration pour mon anniversaire de naissance à leur maison … où j’ai presque brûlé mes cheveux et leur maison en soufflant sur toutes ces maudites bougies !! Il y en avait dont ben !!   mais bon, il doit arriver quelque chose spectaculaire de temps en temps, MÊME à mon âge!

Ma belle H**** huguette 2011 dec 29qui ma accueillit pour mon anniversaire et bien d’autres soirées…merci pour ton écoute, me faire rire et m’avoir accompagné l’or de notre visite à Drummond…D**** et moi nous avons jaser comme des ados jusqu’aux `tits heures du matin ! Qu’on a ri comme des bonnes au spectacle de Gilles LaTulippe dans son humour magnifique!

Je suis reconnaissante d’avoir un cousin gentille ainsi ses parents, son fils que j’aime  ET, mon cousin qui a choisi une si bonne épouse, qui est devenue mon amie comme une sœur ; aller à Oakville,  c’est comme aller « chez nous » pour voir maman et papa (Ma Tante Mae et Fred) leur fils, mon  frère protecteur, son beau-père et sa belle-Rorymère aussi qui m’accueillent toujours comme le leur … eh oui, c’est  que Wardy a fait un choix judicieux en incluant cette femme et sa famille dans sa vie!

Je suis comblée d’avoir pu partager et de célébrer des repas de fêtes extraordinaires avec des amis fabuleux,  Annette et Yves. Je me sentais comme si je rembobinais arrière d’une machine à temps (time machine) .

.. assis avec leurs enfants et petits-enfants … qui m’ont accueilli avec tendresse autant comme si je serais de la famille pour vraie ! … my oh my, comme je suis riche d’avoir des amis si aimants dans ma vie.  Quel plaisir!

Printemps 2012  est arrivé avec tonnerre et fureur dans d’autres parties de ma vie,.. mes sentiments bouleversants m’ont enveloppé avec beaucoup de chagrin et de tristesse pour un certain temps. On dirait que le Grand Créateur me disait de prendre une pause et faire un ménage du printemps dans ma vie.  Et pourtant, avec les voyages difficiles à traverser les leçons pertinentes viennent souvent en cours de route … SI,  vous êtes ouvert à explorer et à découvrir.

J’ai appris que l’erreur et d’être humain c’est ben correct ; me pardonner, c’est très bien aussi … de m’entourer des bras qui veulent me tenir même si c’est nouveau et étrange …c’est tellement consolant! Et si j’ai le droit d’avoir des gens spéciaux pour entrer dans ma vie (quelques collègues et anciens collègues) me soutenir et je n `automne, serre-moi si je n` ai cassé et me nourrir si l’âme ne meurt pas de faim.

Je suis choyée d’avoir des gens, jeunes et moins jeunes dans ma vie qui sont arrivé souvent dans ma vie au bon moment … dois-je vraiment croire à la coïncidence? Eh bien, appelez ça comme vous voulez … le destin? … Non, je crois que je suis enfin ouvert à explorer et à savourer dans le confort et délisse de ces gens incroyables … Merci mes amis!

Mon amie, Annette qui m’a accueilli dans sa maison;  annette and me sept 15th2012Yves, qui a pris soins de mon véhicule à plusieurs reprises pour me dépanner; mon Olivier et son choix judicieux d’une partenaire! aa belle Virginie , qui est devenue comme
ma fille, m’ont permis de partager de nombreux mercredis soirs après ma thérapie à la clinique … ils ne se
Oli et Virg march 2012doutaient à l’époque à quel point que ces jeux de balle molle et ces causeries avec Virg, m’ont nourrit l’âme avec leurs cœurs généreux et le bien-être qui se produisait de cette bonne recette de bonté ; c’était un genre de guérison émotionnelle. Je vous remercie mes enfants!

Leurs animaux de compagnie sont bill trying to find a spotdevenus mes enfants à flatter et à aimer  … mes journées en gardant les animaux sont devenues en partie  ma consolation et que finalement en séjournant chez mon Bed & Breakfast  A & Y favori … Annette qui m’a appris à espérer et donner la vie une chance.  J’ai passé des heures en l’a regardant coudre avec des mains caressantes   et patientes ;  c’était un genre de communion de sortes … comme ces moments chaleureux et inoubliables me in dress annette made for medemeurent chers en moi. J’ai tellement aimé  nos entretiens, parlant de la vie et les relations humaines.

J’ai appris que les choses les plus simples peuvent réparer un cœur brisé … chez Maria une amie aimante (épouse, mère, grand-mère, sœur) la création d’un chef-d’œuvre d’un génie passionnée = amour + créativité = Annette … que tu es bonne pour moi!

J’ai découvert en regardant un grand chef italien pour quelques jours dans sa cuisine a été une révélation en quelque sorte … d’apprendre que cette bella donna a mis tant de temps, d’amour et de patience en cuisant  pour sa famille, pour ses amis. Nous passions des heures commisératif dans sa cuisine, les odeurs des épices … puis se régalant et dégustant … mais ce n’était pas seulement à cause de nos goûts étant éteint mais le sentiment de l’amour au sein de cette famille de partager un repas … Eux aussi embrassé ma présence que je leur fait.

Ma Bella Maria qui me fait rire, parfois nous partageons nos sentiments pour notre travail et notre famille.  Certains de mes collègues et superviseurs qui m’ont offert leur amitié et leurs soutiens.

Il ne faut pas oublié mon amie , Lise L*,  qui m’a coaché ​​pour que je pense plus à moi .tellement réconfortante et apaisante visites de téléphone avec une femme remarquable, une amie et ancien collègue … nous n’avions pas la chance de se voir souvent,  mais ces moments n’ont pas été épargnés des rires, des conversations profondes et les discours que provoquent l’esprit.

Merci à tous pour votre appuie et surtout votre amitié;  j’ai récupéré et je suis à la découverte un nouveau moi … J’ai appris à être égoïste et m’aimer à nouveau et que vous voulez écouter ma voix intérieure … Hé! Je mérite d’être heureux et peut-être c’est le moment de prendre le temps pour moi en tant que femme … et non  seulement une mère, une intervenante ou une bénévole,  pour ajouter plus de piquant dans ma vie.

J’ai commencé avec des pas de bébé en sauvant un chat dans une refuge…un coup qu’elle m’a accepté dans sa vie nous nous sommes devenue un nouveau couple qui se collait en masse:)  Mais il semblait manquer un `tit qqchose…j’ai commencé à sortir…eh oui, fréquenter un homme…à suivre dans un autre blog bien sûre!!:)543447_283899118392016_782678981_n

Quand l’âme guérit, le cœur s’ouvre … Je suis prêt à donner la vie une autre chance de me surprendre,  et de profiter d’un jour à la fois, parfois une heure à la fois …

Bonne Année mes amis, ma famille … vous savez qui vous êtes tous  … certains vivent très loin et certains sont plus prés… merci pour avoir touché mon cœur … mon âme.

J’espère  de transporter mes nouvelles connaissances et inspirations au cours de la nouvelle année 2013 ……

wpid-20130102_175917.jpgP.S. Merci au gens qui m’ont tendu la main, écouté, offert ta sagesse, ta flexibilité.  I sais que je n’ai pas nommé tous et toutes, mais bons en voici qquns:   Debbie, Nicole, Pat, Pat T., Patrcia, Maria, Annie, Virg, Olivier, Annette,  Alain, Yves, Val L, Marie, Regine, Laurence, Andréanne, Huguette, Diane, Peggy, Jacques, Lise, Bea, JennyO, Michelle D & G, Janice, Réal, Tante Gisele, Noémie, Fred, Aunt Mae, Armand,  Karen, Ward, Rory, Edward, Robin:), Anthony…umm,  Eh! c est comme l’annonce de la Banque Nouvelle Ecosse “Je suis plus riche que je pensais (“I`m richer than I thought!!)”