mid-season travels ~ Troiku

Image may contain: tree, sky, bird, plant, outdoor and nature

squirrels scurry
birds halfway to southern plains
wish I were a bird

squirrels scurry
stopping to munch
and tease indoor cats

birds halfway to southern plains
balmy weather welcomes
feathered friends

wish I were a bird
soaring over lakes and meadows
poop on pedophiles

© Tournesol 2019/11/09

Image may contain: cat and outdoor

 

First snowfall – Daily Moments – Troibun

A disturbing nudge on her shoulder kicks her out of her sleep. Her longtime friend and foe is ever consistent. It’s November, and dawn has not yet shown its face. Her cold dark room reminds her of death. It is after all, the month of death. She hears a neighbour roll over in bed. The springs are probably as old as his grandfather but hardly a nuisance to hear. In fact, it’s comforting to hear the expected. There is life upstairs.

She pulls the duvet over her head and whispers her morning mantra, “Please help me be a better person and make this day slightly different…Amen.” Shuffling to the washroom, she peaks in the room at the end of the hall. Squinting, she sees her black feline sleeping soundly by the windowsill.

In the kitchen she starts the coffee. She grinds the coffee beans at night to ensure quiet in the morning. Pulling the curtain in the living room, she sees dark purple shades painted across the sky. What a gift to see this performance offering hope for a new day…yet, it’s all a lie, really. Nothing changes.
Tiptoeing to the washroom, she closes the door runs her morning bath while the coffee maker does its magic. Hot water oils her joints…sort of, at least to function, maybe enough to walk to the bus stop today. Lowering her body so her shoulders are covered in the hot steaming water, she lets out a soft groan exhaling the bad.

The last gasps of the coffee wizard announce the end of her bath.
Sitting in her mother’s old rocker, she sips her first taste of happiness leaning on two ice packs. The aroma fills the air. The ice slowly numbs the pain on her neck and lower back; the rising sun puts a smile on her parched lips. Who knows? Maybe today will be different.

For decades, she’s always told herself that pain is her friend. If she feels aches, it means she’s alive rather than paralysed and unfeeling. She has the energy to work, to love, the passion to care despite the lulls in the day or night, she still lives and feels.

Accepting her limits is the secret. Walking too far or housecleaning in one shot will force her into inaction for a day or two. On days she cannot function, she reads, writes, edits photos or binges on Netflix…always pleasures to take her mind off physical discomforts…the nagging, accusing poking of her stalker or long-time partner?

dawn squints
billowy shadows linger
first snowfall

dawn squints
cringing at intruders
morning strain

billowy shadows linger
shift in autumn’s speed
chasing winter

first snowfall
brightening muddy paths
cooling giddy tongues

(c) Tournesol 19/11/07

Happy Birthday Celestine

 

She writes words that move you; sensual, romantic and insightful. Like bees and butterflies producing beauty, she graces us with her haiku and cherita.

creates melodies
like blue breasted kingfishers
in her poetry
singing collectively
Happy Birthday, Celestine!

© tournesol ‘19/11/04

Publicaitons: Haiku Rhapsodies & Whispers at Dawn (a collection of Cheritas)
Follow her on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/museonfirebooks/

Reading Julie Parenteau…haibun

Reading Julie Parenteau, Femme Cherche  Homme Aimant le Meutre

(C)Clr’9-10-16

The train moved faster trying to make up for a late departure. She leans her head on the window and watches all the colours of the season embracing her like an old woolen shawl…the one GrandMaman used to wear. The skies are grey and the fall colours flash even more through the mist of the pouring rain.

This is a time to bundle up on a comfy couch or chair and read a book. She turns the page on the mystery novel “Femme Cherche Homme aimant le Meutre” she started reading at the station. The author, Julie Parenteau begins the first page with a jolt inciting the reader to read more, more, more…unfortunately she must read slowly. When she reads in French, she has to sound out each word to understand properly and she sure doesn’t want to miss anything her new favourite Quebec author has written.

Language is so different written from spoken and she learned French on the streets. She had not read a French novel in a while her last one was « Sur le Seuil » by Patrick Senécal, another Québécois writer. His writing affects the reader like Stephen King does…no kidding! And she remembers finding this a real page turner.

After about twenty pages, she usually gets into a different mindset and falls into the world of the author where she no longer notices what language she is reading. How she likes when that happens…her curiosity and love of words take over as well as a thrilling plot!

The muffled sound of the train whistling as it passes through small towns, caught her attention and she looks out on the fields. It is late in the season and she notices the perfectly round bales of hay sitting in the meadow, waiting to bed their new home for the winter.

Mesmerized
A panorama of autumn
Slipping away
from a rear view seat
Nature bids farewell

© Tournesol’19-10-16

If you are interested in reading Julie’s newly published novel, check it out at Indigo, Amazon, Archambault and Renaud Bray. Also look up Julie’s Facebook page to get to know more about this talented writer.

https://www.facebook.com/Julie-Parenteau-auteure-279004306368883/.

authentic and compassion (troiku) Daily Moments 8-10-2019

grey looms within
searching for the sun
chasing blue rays

grey looms within
cannot seem to stop
raindrops tasting salt

searching for the sun
shining in the sky
yet, so faraway

chasing blue rays
just, what doctors order
“should” produce a smile


teardrops fall
like leaky faucets – yet,
no reason at all

teardrops fall
salt blending with sweetness
making all things real

like leaky faucets – yet,
overflows may be triggered
over-stretched soul

no reason at all
some folks are just born
caring and real

© Tournesol ‘19/10/08

Daily Moments October 8/2019   authentic and compassionate Troiku

reflections (haibun)

31,479 hours and still counting…

31, 479 hours to date, she has picked up the phone or sat at her desk replying to youths on the world wide web. She wonders how many hours one has to work before they start seeing pink rabbits and blue dinosaurs…

purple turtles
crawling ever slowly
weight on her heart

purple turtles
light and vulnerable
once upon a time

crawling ever slowly
feeding on every teardrop
nutrients within

weight on her heart
so called “innovation”
betrayed by giants

Giants make important decisions but may not have all the variables. Sadly, they are too tall and high, they cannot always hear the true believers…

hearts beating
to the sounds of their cries
fears, pain and suffering

Pushing the heart to beat faster, longer; lungs that sometimes collapse…not enough time to come up for air; maintenance does not seem to be the giant’s option. Push harder, drown, bury, replace, rebranding…looking to the future, they stick their chests out snapping their suspenders woven out of self-righteousness. Gatekeepers hold onto to their purple turtles so they don’t slip away. Hiding from poachers and giants who claim that Father Knows Best.

pink rabbits scatter
creating a diversion
blue dinosaurs roam

pink rabbits scatter
compassion their fuel
keeping turtles safe

creating a diversion
here, there, up and down
giants can’t keep up

blue dinosaurs roam
keeping watch night and day
the Universal Rule

when does an ideal begin to crumble?
what happens to noble dreams?
why do new stakeholders falter?
where have those primary dreamers gone?
when have visionaries replaced compassion and humility?
why have giants slipped away so far…from that Golden Rule?

She remembers going to see a new mechanic in Mississauga in 1997 when she had just moved to GTA. Her car had just passed the five year mark and was no longer on warranty. She had a list in October…to change the spark plugs, oil and filter and clean or change the brakes. She had her winter tires (which very few had there but she was from Montreal…better safe than sorry was their motto).

Mike, the mechanic (Yeah, I know like the song) did the oil change and put on her snow tires and told her everything else was fine. He told her that always cleaned brakes when doing an oil change; he said, “A garage will never make much money from a customer like you, Cl. You come in October to prepare your car for the winter…most people come around in at the end of November or even December and often when their car won’t start…prevention and good maintenance is the key to keep your car for a long time.” Of course, the winters were not as cold and snowy as in Quebec and that car held on up to 2008. The motor was still fine (thank you Mitsubishi) but it was not as safe to travel to visit her family in Quebec…her ailing mother and beautiful grandson merited more visits now.

She required a more dependable vehicle to manage the trek from Toronto to Montreal. A humble 4 cylinder, Eagle Summit was still working after 16 years, however. It felt as if it was time for retirement, but she would not be able to visit it as it; it would now be running slower and less frequently. Just like we do when we retire…we put less demand on ourselves, stretching our lives with quality time and less stress.

Isn’t that how dependable and high functioning people should be treated in a workplace? Maintaining their overall health which includes physical and mental wellbeing is crucial. Is she wrong in believing this?

pushing
faster, harder
dropping like flies

© Tournesol 19-10-08

Daily Moments  October 8 2019

Daily moments September 25, 2019 “missing Dom’ ” ~Troibun

 

You know how the smells of certain food, the images of certain things like flowers or sounds like a song all bring you back in time reminding you of that special someone?  Time stops for a moment to allow you to place yourself back with that person. That is what was happening today as she waited by the stove preparing her lunch. 

The eggs were simmering over roasted garlic and rice.  It would take a few minutes longer, she knew, but they would be “just right”, like that amazing omelette she had years ago in her friend’s kitchen in St Basil le Grand.  She remembers sitting at the counter and chatting with her as she would go back and forth leisurely but expertly, to the stove, preparing their brunch.

miss her smile
warm and genuine hugs
shimmering baby blues

miss her smile
sharing joys of music
blues and indie songs

warm and genuine hugs
former colleague that became her friend
on her first shift

shimmering baby blues
telling so many stories
spill with emotion

© Tournesol ‘19/09/25

Daily moments September 25, 2019  missing Dom’   Troibun

Godspeed Stéphanie!

rooftop sunset
(c) Clr’19 Rooftop sunset on de Gaspé, Mile End

Another person’s leaving and I can’t help but feel sad today, thinking back on that sparkle in her eyes when she first started. Watching the complicities and banters her night team had together was touching. Enjoying her photos of vacation spots exploring the world with her partner, was my way of living vicariously through a select few people I admire here.

And as if, those eyes could not take ‘shimmer’ to another level, blossoming into a beautiful woman and mother. For those who ‘get it’ when you look at your child and your heart wants to burst through your chest, there is so much love there, one could see this so clearly on her whole being as well.

Something changes dramatically when you have a child. Seeing her reminded me how those days when I returned to work with my first born. Work took second place and slowly I became to carve a new path for myself… a turning point that took a long time but brought me to my place, my passion, I still have today.

Over time, that sparkle dimmed in her eyes when she returned and I could see how she too was slowly weaving a new tapestry that would include her true self, her family and her passion. A place to breathe and feel valued and recognize the light around her again. And so, selfishly I am sad to see her go, I truly, get it.

This time it is not a new chapter but a new book. Remember how those first pages are gleaming and welcome a new story?  This is her new narrative etched with her passion and dedication to herself, her family and to those new souls who will benefit from her professionalism, her expertise, her savoir-faire and mostly her kindness.

summer waves goodbye
autumn announces change, yet…
vibrant and alive

Godspeed, Stéphanie!

© Tournesol ‘19/09/20

September 20 2019 Daily moments, Godspeed Stéphanie Haibun

ladies are wild Haibun Daily Moments Sept 11 2019

Image may contain: 2 people, people sitting

Some people have friends over for coffee or tea; others meet at a coffee shop or restaurant. But today, these lovely ladies met at a food court to play cards. How sweet is that? Once in a while another group of women would pop by their table to talk and laugh. She couldn’t understand because they were speaking something other than French or English but they sure were having a grand time!


kings, queens
party at their weekly haunt
jokers are wild

© Tournesol ‘19/09/11

True beauty comes within(a cherita & memoirs) Daily reflections

How many more need to go? Who else will leave her on her own?

A friend once said, it is like being in an abusive relationship. Yes, sort of, but she sees it more as living in a huge family home with extended family…you know, moms, dads, grandparents, uncles, aunts and children which include all the siblings and cousins. (Most of the children are pretty consistent with their values but there is always a bad apple…un cousin de la fesse gauche sort of.

You get her drift? Nod twice if you do and stop reading if you don’t because if you don’t get it, the rest of this will be way way over your head.   You know, those who no longer know right from wrong or blinded with the public image and their vanity.

It is like living on a farm with many different houses…but ONLY the parents, grandparents and uncles and aunts run the show. Okay, there may be “in law” that can also poison the crops…this is possible.

Some of the adults were nice but most (not all) of the nice ones died and went to heaven. Now the evil ones remain because they thrive longer feeding on indifference, vanity, ambition and greed.

Fortunately, the children were raised in the back fields to fend on their own and the opposite is what they live which is compassion and selflessness. Their goal to be there for the younger siblings…to fend for them, be their voice and if they leave, they must find a stronger group to replace them and continue the war on crime between compassion and apathy and other battles between truth and deceit.

She thinks of the people she can count on and there are a few uncles and aunties that do “their godlike thing” in the shadows…being there to support the young so the true field (frontline) workers can have the tools to persevere. It is an important job…a “must do” job. She is still at “can do”…for now.

Life drops obstacles along your path but the challenge is to do the best you can while you are still in this vicinity and then leave. Your mark, your values and your inspiration will linger and continue help those remaining …giving them a model and this will go on and on and on …

Even if there are fewer and fewer, good souls do not have to change…you need not let the evil change you to be like them…when you find yourself slipping into moments of apathy and numbness, fickleness and weakness, then it is time to leave. Your goodness will still enrich the earth as the children till the soil in the backfields (front line) of the farm.

(A cherita ~ micropoetry)

From the bottom of the muddy waters, a lotus rose

Such delicate beauty shall not be defiled
Thick muck remains at the bottom of the pond

Strength stems from truth
Compassionate petals of perfection
Such real beauty is divine

© Tournesol ‘19/09/10

Daily Moments September 10. 2019

cousin de la fesse gauche: an expression meaning a cousin removed so many times, they are no longer really related.

Nirvana (Daily moments) Haibun

Finally! She sits motionless to savour the moment exhaling slowly…relief, at last. The night was long waking up to hammers in her head. Finally by the end of the day, knockers slowly left, one by one.

She remembers reading that heroin users are often looking for that high…reaching nirvana. She read that there were many ways to reach this ultimate summit of pure bliss. She was a bit shocked when a monk listed orgasm on his list of “highs” but thinking about it now, that did make sense along with reaching spiritual enlightenment.

Demerol was another drug that brought some to nirvana after hours of labour in childbirth. Her grandmother was a midwife and many mothers would ask for a second “shot”…she smiles at the memory of her grandmother telling her birth stories.

It must be like this for people who use opiates for painkillers as well, she ponders. She always steered away from that because she knew how easily one gets addicted. Her doctor once prescribed a procedure that would relieve her of her neck pain for about one month. It was very costly but it was not the cost that turned her off. She lives with chronic pain day and night. For the past three decades it has married her by now. To separate the pain only briefly, might be a relief…even heaven but hell would surely await after the effects wore off. No, she thought, that would be worse. She preferred to endure the soft murmurs of her partner who drummed on joints and bones and off and on would invite his knockers for a poker game in her head and neck. But when that game ended, guests left one by one…the relief swaddled her…the other joints dulled in comparison to that last performance…a concert of sheer hell.

Right now, at this very moment, she is drunk with this relief she calls, her nirvana.

Steel drums echo

Beating to a steady rhythm

Repeating an angry verse

Robbing her of any comfort

In the name of pain

© Tournesol ‘19/09/06

miracles of nature (haibun) daily moments 9/5/19

As a young child, she kept hearing aunts and uncles saying, she had so and so’s hair, and so and so’s smile and what’s her name’s eyes. It puzzled and frustrated her so much. It made her feel as if every part of her was second hand. Who want’s a body and personality that’s a hand-me-down? So one day she got so fed up, she blurted out to her mother,”What part of me looks like me?!”

each design unique
even with one small detail
phenomenal snowflake

(c) Tournesol ’19/09/05

Inspired: Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken. OSCAR WILDE.

Labour Day (haibun) Sept 2/2019

Labour Day Haibun Sept 2 2019

Labour Day makes her reminisce. School around the corner, many hoping for a better year. Some are anxious to meet old friends and make new ones. Others wary and dread to walk alone in those busy halls filled with hundreds who ignore them. Taunting and bullying is sometimes better than feeling non-existent.

Teachers worry too. Will they have what they need to help their students? Will they get the support? Will they be able to keep their head above waters sometimes boiling with oppositioins? And then there are some who look forward to feed the hungry minds or help a student find their path and thirst for even more.

Parents running around, trying to find the extra dollars for this and that. Another pair of shoes, pants that are too short…growing children and teens, all their needs and then desires. Will they all be met?

Trying to balance work and family and school demands…such a busy time. Dreading for that first phone call, hoping for something new and positive.

Jody’s first day of kindergarten, Mommy walking home, a tear upon her cheek.

Daycares singing, shouting, playing…rooms of so many new playmates!

Empty shopping malls
Deserted streets
Workers’ day of rest

Even nature rests
Clouds that spill on tired lawns
Trees bow in thanks

Youths play distracted
Excited, anxious, worried
A new school year

A new school year
Anticipating bullies
Finding a new friend

First day of school
Etched with cool graffiti
Teens’ brand new notebook

Learning something new
Adapted to your unique style
Needs are met- at last!

© Tournesol ’19-09-02
Daily Moments – September 2 2019

simmering memories Haibun Daily Moments August 27 2019

© clr Grand-Maman 2014

After spending a relaxing day reading, she decided to prepare her dinner.  Looking in the fridge, she was  lacking inspiration.  Groceries were in need, she sighed, yet she wanted to wait since she had busted her budget already two weeks ago.  She found broccoli stems she had saved, a bag of baby carrots, left over small potatoes that would spoil soon and of course her trusty jar of minced garlic.  Looking up at her vegetable and fruit basket hanging next to the pantry, she took two onions.

She fried the garlic, then onions then filled the pot with water and the chopped vegetables added several heaping tablespoons of beef bouillon, adding spices here and there and let it come to a boil.  Of course she added Worcestershire sauce…it was one staple in her recipes along with a dash or two or three of curry.  She stirred, adding more spices but thought she might wait a while to allow the ingredients to savour the concoction she was making.  She preferred to call it ETF (Empty The Fridge) soup.  But in the past few months there was less and less to empty.  Her fridge was sparse and that was partly trying to follow her more humble budget and also she was tired of throwing away food if she had not got around to cook.  Living alone means not over buying and calculating just enough “in case” family drop by.  Although, her timing was never that great either in those instances.  She tried to keep some things she had cooked in the freezer since she usually cooked enough for at least eight persons.

She stirred the bubbling vegetable liquid and lowered the heat to simmer.  She realized she needed to add more water so she transferred the pot to a bigger pot and then she added lentils she had rinsed several times to the stock.  As she added a few more dashes of this and that, she could not help but think of her GrandMaman.  How she wished she would have been more interested in cooking as a young adult and spent more time cooking with her.  She saw her cook as a teenager but once she married and left home, she rarely watched her do her magic in the kitchen.  She was such an amazing cook too.  The only thing she got down almost perfect was her turkey dressing.  And that was just by tasting, adding this and that and tasting over and over until it tasted like Christmas a long long time ago growing up.

She stirred absent mindedly, rapt in her thoughts that  brought her back in time. Perhaps that was why cooking was so comforting for many people.

swirls of broth
waves in a tin pool
bubbling with stories

listening to her old stories
turn of the last century

washboards and lye soap
horses pulling bread and milk
times of yore

© Tournesol ‘19/08/27

this side of the glass Haibun Daily moments August 23 2019

Funny how insulated one becomes when confined indoors. Insulated rather than isolated because it feels safe. Only the hum of her air purifier and soft snores of her cat keep her company. Looking out the window, leaves flutter with life, birds communicate from tree to tree and yet here, it’s like a different world. It’s safe here and no expectations from anyone.

She was up most of the night coughing and once that was calmed temporarily, little hammers started doing their thing just to make her life less boring. She finally managed to sleep a few more hours in the morning and her hacking cough startled even her. Another week before any doctor would consider giving her medication or believe that her lungs were clogged. She could hear a rumble when she inhaled and a faint whistle from her chest when she exhaled. She wasn’t too worried but annoyed that it had been disturbing her sleep all week.
Fortunately, she had been on vacation this passed week, so rest was the main remedy and she took advantage of that.

a different world
moving outside her window
rushing here and there
I spy with my little eye
on this side of the glass

© Tournesol ’19-08-23

tragic losses (troibun)

It is tragic when depression wraps a person so tight with layers and layers of prickly wool. A person falls victim to that predator who distorts their lens and forges their vision seeing no way out.

lost in the darkness
never sees the right bend
veiled from the light

lost in the darkness
never thought there was help
suffering alone

never seeing the right bend
turned to the left
that cul-de-sac

veiled from the light
obscurity snickers
`til that last breath

© Tournesol ’16/05/10

Daily Moments ~ tragic loss May 10  2016

hope for our future ~ August 21 2019

where has all the passion gone?

values and ideals
pushing you forward
once upon a time
you made a difference
where are you now?

ads boasting
a cause
a service
actors pretending to care

where has all the passion gone?

hungry children
desperate mothers
parents searching answers
ALL
represent our future
where is all the help?

I can’t help notice
posts on social networks
where agencies show off their deeds
I recognize some of these people
and wonder,
Do they really fucking care?
If they were paid just a little less
would they still be so impressed?

I look at ads and articles
media coverage of this and that
important people
acting like they care
they have a cause that counts
but is that just an act?

What drives these people
IF it’s true?
can dollars barter with passion?
what drives people to act and help?
what truly motivates?

Is the passion still there?
or are all these people who I see
like minions on political campaigns
do they even fucking care?
where are their values and ideals
what truly pushes one forward?

once upon a time
some of you actually made a difference
where are you all now?

am I blind or just too synical?
perhaps a bit of both
why do the ones who care just leave?
do they pick up a brand new cause
invest their heart and soul…again?

I hope this is but a halting spell
to catch your breath
start over again

I have to believe in this way
so I can live another day
with faith in our humanity.

those values and ideals
that keep pushing you forward
once upon a time, will come back
a time you made a difference
I have to feel you will come back
because all life form matters.

                     weeping
                    seeking hope for living
                     under the willow

(c) Tournesol ’21/08/2019

Daily moments – August 21, 2019

endings and losses Free Verse

Today I learned that a very special person in my life will be leaving…going far away and it saddens me very much. Loss is part of everyday life. I know that but it doesn’t make it any easier. My first reaction is sadness, then anger at whoever pushed someone away, then sadness again and I swim in that for quite some time. Sometimes guilt creeps up if I think of what I should have, could have sad when he was in my life and then I dive back down to sadness…so as I wallow in my grief this is what I have to say…

losses and endings not easy to take
saying goodbye makes my heart break

we experience loss every day, every minute
ooos there goes by a minute already!

spiritual gurus keep telling us
to be present, remain in the now
it takes many losses and defeats
to come to a place of now
to finally understand what the gurus say
enjoy each precious moment of the day

losses and endings not easy to take
saying goodbye makes my heart break

tell your friend she is pretty
thank your colleague for their support
tell your manager how helpful he has been
just don’t waste precious time away
enjoy each priceless moment of the day

losses and endings not easy to take
saying goodbye makes my heart break

tell your son how special his is
tell your daughter how
you wish you were strong like her
thank your mother for everything
that you have taken to help you strive
tell your father how you feel
just don’t waste precious time away
enjoy each priceless moment of the day

remember the good times
you’ve shared with friends and family
discard the bad times
once you’ve learned from them
even when you say goodbye
to a dear friend
their memory is always with you
right there in the crux of your heart
no one can take that away from you
even after you’ve said goodbye

losses and endings not easy to take
saying goodbye makes my heart break
so just don’t waste precious time away
enjoy each priceless moment of the day
embrace your loved ones
like it’s your very last day.

© Cheryl-Lynn 20/08/2019

Pleased to make your acquaintance! (prosery)

Jacques reflects back on this past year.  It felt more like twenty!   Detox was just a  little taste of his journey that lay ahead.

How he loathed himself and now he had to face all this sober. His mentor and sponsor, once said, “You will love again the stranger who was your self.”

No one told him the first step started within and not pointing fingers. Improve what you need to improve but do the work yourself.  It was so much easier to blame someone else for his misfortunes.

Accepting responsibility for his actions was  probably the toughest pill to swallow.    He has finally forgiven himself even if some still cannot. He’s accepted that truth too.

He sits in the front row at the legion hall, waiting to be called up to the front to share his story  and accept his one year chip.

© Cheryl-Lynn ‘20/08/2019

 On Monday, August 19th, Kim is hosting  Prosery at dVerse.   This prompt is where you write a flash fiction using a maximum  of 144 words including that line of poetry.

This week the line is “you will love again the stranger who was your self” from Derek Walcott’s poem Love after Love.

Daily Moments ~ hear the breeze ~ troiku ~ August 16 2019

Tween seasons are the best…end of summer opens windows and turns off air conditioners, reminding us of the beauty of natural sounds [minus the cars during rush hour].

finally
listen to the wind
softly whispering

finally
open windows
fresh air

listen to the wind
cicadas do their shrill
how peaceful!

softly whispering
“remember your Hail Mary’s”
can’t help but smile

© Tournesol ‘19/08/16

Daily Moments hear the breeze troika August 16 2019

Chapter 2 of Emily’s autobiography (troibun)

Emily does not remember much of the unpleasant and scary for some reason. It’s like ghosts in the back of her brain. The good, happy, loving images are so vivid and when the ghosts try to poke at her and get to the forefront, she is never sure what is real. The details are blurred. She sees a little girl sitting on the steps at the back of her house, sulking or weeping for “no reason”.

“I’ll give you something to really cry about!” screams in her brain…a buckle on a belt flashes and then blackness.

Recalling unpleasant and scary is like trying to pick up a lost penny on the pavement with your toes.

Then feeling the warm, loving hugs and her soothing voice…remembering her comforting embrace is her safety net.

memories
floating in and out
dream catcher

memories
fragmented stories
and blurred lines

floating in and out
latching on like…
bloodsuckers

dream catcher
recalling soothing hues
tangible – love

(c) tournesol ’19/08/15

What would you write in Chapter 2 of your life story?

on letting go …a cherita and haiku

(a cherita)

piling into tired vessels

inequity tears the sails
weary canvas fails

sea engulfs each evil deed
greedy and voracious
quenched with every nightmare

~

aquarius moon so full and bright

beams light up the sea
watching ancient sins

sinking to dark depths
way beneath the sea
labroides feast

(haiku)

nightmares capsize
into the cold dark sea
death becomes them

(c) Tournesol ’19/08/15

 

Daily moments – reflections on letting go and change – August 15th, full moon

 

Cotton candy hands ~Haibun ~ Daily Moments August 15 2019

No photo description available.
(c) Clr ’19

Walking from the mall today, I noticed the rides were back on the property. They are a team from the Beauce and they are here about 3 or 4 times a year. They set up at the front of the mall and usually when I walk home from work late at night I use the back route since my home is behind the mall. Still I see five or six vans and trailers parked on the back side, so I know the fair is back in town.

Image may contain: sky, night, cloud and outdoor
(c) Clr’19

Today, I wanted to take a few photos to savour some of the summer images we long for during those long frigid winter months. I like to pretend that I’m a kid again and going to the fair with my mom and sister. Just an image here, another there and I am back in time decades ago. I can even smell the food!

ferris wheels
roller coasters
screams of joy and fear

sticky fingers
smacking lips
pink cotton candy

hot dogs
dripping mustard
candied popcorn

sun setting
speakers blaring
hip hop

flashing lights
screaming children
one last ride

© Tournesol ‘19/08/15

Cotton candy hands Haibun Daily Moments August 15 2019  Daily Moments

Life is not timeless…

Happy Birthday, Aunt Mae!

Celebrating
90 years of true
living

(c) Clr ‘August 13, 2019

 

Originally written August 12, 2013

Art by Mae Roberts Giroux

Returning from a lovely birthday celebration for my Aunt Mae, my head was swimming with thoughts on my return home by train on this 13th day of August 2013.

It is a solemn day today;  I’ve felt blessed being with people who changed my life; people who encouraged me when no one else did; people who believed in me and offered me the sanctuary of their home  so I could save first and last month’s rent when I started a new life in a new city 400 miles from home.  People who had not been in my life for almost 30 years and yet never hesitated to offer their unconditional support! They never judged me; nor did they expect anything in return!

They invented “paying it forward”!

Meet my Aunt M who is my father’s sister; she lived too far most of her adult life to be privy to family drama and stories;  she was busy raising her family, making her way and a wonderful way of life she did as well.

She is an amazing mother who raised three fine sons…3 fine men…3 fine cousins…three fine creative souls!  She is an amazing wife, who followed her husband across the country and enjoyed every minute with the man she loved. She encouraged and supported his decision when he too returned to university so he could change his career for the second part of his life.  She is a grandmother, aunt, wife, artist, mother-in-law, model and mentor in life.

She is an amazing friend who never forgets any friend she has encountered along the way on her life’s travels…just check out her monthly postal and cards’ expenses!

She is an amazing person who embodies goodness…volunteers, is always there to help, contributes for events that entail fun(oh, how she loves to play) she is always available to chip in at potlucks, bring the best peanut butter cookies to friends and friends of her children who have to move; she is there to help at parties, special events and people of all ages just love her!

Mae Roberts Giroux,
Oakville, On.

© Painting by Mae Roberts Giroux,

One of her very first paintings by Mae Roberts Giroux

Mae Roberts Giroux
https://www.facebook.com/mae.giroux/photos

 

Photo: CLR – art by Mae Giroux, Oakville, Ontario

She is an amazing “ma tante” who gave selflessly and proudly…merci, Ma Tante!  She is an amazing and accomplished artist …creating beauty for the past 70+ years The profile pic on this blog is ONE of her many paintings she has created, she sculpts as well, draws, does stain-glass, teaches art …multi-media and so much more!


To my amazing Uncle F (Mr. G) who is an amazing father!  He raised 3 sons to be 3 amazing husbands, 2 amazing loving fathers! He nurtured them, played with them and gave them guidance…he is a father, a dad , grandfather, uncle, friend, and a mentor.  I always envied my cousins for having the most amazing dad on this planet…and I am thankful to have been blessed with his tender love, wise guidance and fatherly support…he was the dad who loaned me his shoulders for support when my heart was broken, and his insights when I was at a crossroad. Thank you, Uncle F!

He is an amazing husband who encouraged his wife to grow and develop her creative side at an art college in her middle years, and as well, later on, he pursued a second career in improving the lives of people, who volunteers to this day and continues to help people in need. He is a loving grandfather, father-in-law, uncle and model/mentor to look up to.

I love them so much and today we had a pleasant and sombre rendezvous.  I was looking at two people whom I love very much… aging…and yes, it is part of life’s cycle…I get it!

I choked with sadness and longing as I heard my uncle comment calmly, rocking in his chair, “We are getting closer to the summit of our horizon”.  I looked at him in awe…maybe I saw an aura…this warm kind man radiating so much wisdom!

Later during our lovely lunch I was thrilled listening to my aunt giggle to a comment I had made.  She was still 16 inside that body…this body who still swam twice weekly doing 42 lengths each time…this woman who did her 15 minutes of exercises every morning she was still swimming at the age of 84!  {Yes, I have so much to look up to and learn from and have yet to get off said lazy butt and do some of this to stay healthy!}

How I loved to discuss issues of medical or mental health nature with my uncle.  To discuss books he has read…he who is still a member of book club at the age of 85.  This man still volunteers and reads and is so vibrant and alive despite his frail body that refuses to retain iron and whose bones are so fragile…and yet, he still pushes himself to stay active.  How I love him and admire him.

Uncle Fred & Aunt Mae

How I loved to attend art shows where my aunt hung several pieces of her art and she still continues to expose her art this week at 3 places in the city including City Hall.  What an amazing artist! How I loved to go shopping especially taking advantage of those “great sales” on shoes!! She always made me feel like her other daughter…so much more than her niece. And to Uncle F, he too made me feel like his extra daughter…somehow there was always room in both their hearts for me…and that makes me weep happy tears.

And so I am soaking up this unique and special  love I feel for them and they have for me…and know I want to try to come more frequently to see them…for the days, the months, the years are limited …

my heart swells
thinking
people who matter

© Clr ‘2013/08/13

in loving memory of a great man (free verse)

No photo description available.

Can`t seem to find the words
the mind is just so numb
cracks etched upon my heart
memories start to form
lines on every vein
telling each a different story
good, caring, funny
warm, loving, happy
smart, wise and witty,
A hundred and one adjectives
Never enough for this fine man

that time he whispered softly,
“Now be careful when you date,
that no man breaks your heart”
Handing me a tiny teddy
That held a great big heart
he gave me one fine Christmas
My first, away from home

Oh! Remember my first date
At Phantom of the Opera!
so frazzled on what to wear!
Fred and Mae just sat down calmly
on their maple Vilas couch
watching the little fashion show
helped me choose what to wear

those nights coming home
after a date with so and so…
a bottle of Kahlua
a shot glass and a note
“Hope you had a nice time,
Here’s a nightcap for you,
before you go to bed”
that time that we three had dinner
and then he smiled and asked
smacked his lips mischievously
“Wanta share a joint with me,
It’s one of Wardy’s homegrown?”
I thought about it
mulled it over
and said to myself,
“Why not?!”
I felt very safe
with Mae & Fred
and was plenty curious too!!
Had not experimented
In my teens with LSD or pot
a goody two shoes I was a lot
the sixties and the seventies…
never dated much either
I married my teenage sweetheart
When I was just fifteen
I think mid-life made me daring
at forty-five I was bold
I tried my very first joint
just a few puffs here and there
and off to Disneyland I was!
Guess I was not a good candidate
or as my cousin Ward would say,
“Cuz, you sure are a cheap date!”

He was there when I moved
five hours away from home
he and his wife made sure
I was safe in my new home
He pushed me to exercise
Walking a mile after work
Then we’d eat that chunky soup
Homemade by Mae each week

We talked about life and helping people
Psychology and mental health
he understood me and my work
I could feel his fatherly pride
His heart that swelled inside
for all that I have done
and I’ll cherish all those times
he gave so selflessly
altruism his middle name

We both loved to read
And when he finally retired
He joined a book club
The only male reader there
But Fred was so accustomed
Exceptions were his ordinary

We shared a few novels
Discussed them for awhile
I wish I’d had more time
Discussed with him Green Mile
Those stories that made you think
I treasured his insights and wisdom
His thirst for learning
Never quite quenched
There was so much in life to learn
Feeding on medicine and therapies
nothing was beneath or above him
Except of course technology
Computers did drive him mad!

a loving and generous man
how could you not admire
A man of such great depth
quick and clever
kind and compassionate
he never missed a beat
devoted… compassionate

Until we meet again
Uncle Fred
I so hope you are dancing
Speed walking and jogging,
free of all aches and pains
walking up, one by one,
those golden stairs beckon
you to heaven

© Cheryl-Lynn August 7, 2019

Dorothy sings the blues (troiku)

Today, I treated myself to a mani-pedi at the Mall across the street. As the lady started working on my neglected feet, I took out my beads and relaxed and chanted my mantra silently. Usually one lady takes care of my feet and later I move to a table where another lady works on my hands. Today it was not as busy, another lady approached me with a bowl to soak my left hand while she started working on my right hand.


just like Dorothy
pampering hands and feet
in the land of Oz

It felt good to just be in the moment and relax. Later, I walked around aimlessly at The Bay and realized I wanted to continue doing “nothing” and came home to cocoon with my thoughts and my bff’s (best feline friends).


watching the leaves sway
rustling with the wind
Mother Nature’s blues

watching the leaves sway
listening to sopranos
cicadas shrill

rustling with the wind
like a full satin skirt
Mother used to wear

Mother Nature’s blues
giddy daisies dancing
to a summer’s breeze

© Tournesol ’19/08/06

on healing (free verse)

Remembering
I wept
Reliving, 
Shedding tears
hidden 
from yesteryear
And then I breathed
Feeling relieved
And then I knew
I was healed
A little more
than yesterday
humbly
counting my blessings,
I pray

© Clr‘19/08/03


I had forgotten I purchased this book three years ago. I cannot help but feel connected with every word rereading her words…Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur

 

2013!?!! I’m richer than I thought!

wpid-20130102_175621.jpgIt seems that I have written a blog not too long ago wishing folks a happy new year…but that was actually a whole year ago. My oh my, how time flies!  Yes, I know we always seem to say this…especially older people like me.  I would like to take a few moments (lines) to go over this past year with you and share some insights I have learned along the way.

This past year started with positive energy.  maria me and BeaI spent time with good friends in Ontario and Quebec celebrating my birthday.   In Toronto, we are 3 amazing women  {umm, yeah, I am including moi in hereJ} who try to keep up a tradition , celebrating Princess Leja  who has a birthday in November, Bella Donna’s in January and  me, Toronto Mamma or Darling (as Bella Donna calls me) in March.

Um, rewind please… Upon arrival in Toronto, at that time, a dear friend, colleague and funny character all around…Pat …{like Saturday Night Live, I’ll let you guess if this person is a guy or a gal:)}  met me at the bus terminal.

I took the overnight bus Montreal to Toronto to save time but not thinking of the wear and tear of my back.  However,  it does give me occasions to spend “awake time” with friends and family. 

Pat met me even if this was a day off from work.  I was treated to lunch and although the food was good, I have to say, the stories this person comes out with can make your sides and tummy muscles ache from sheer exertion.  Yes, Pat definitely missed her calling in making millions on Saturday Night Live.

I`m thankful for friends who make me laugh, who listen when I need to talk and who are not disturbed when I need to shed some tears.

This past year I am happy for turning one working relationship into a close sisterly friendship.  We must have been something profoundly close in a past life.   What a joy to share in her new loving relationship and preparing for her celebration of this promised love…wedding…shopping for her dress…… shopping for more intimate pieces…ahaha taking pics on my mobile for her approval of marie wedding oct 20 2012 and mesaid items!…Oh, yeah,  good times, good times !!..being a part of her enthusiasm that became like an infectious blanket that swaddled me with her new found love and gave me tiny bread crumbs along the way… of hope…even believing in love again or open to give it a chance.

Ah and H**** being there so often for me with dinners at your apartment, brunches at a restaurant and a fun trip to Drummondville where I stayed up most of the night chatting with D***…lest we forget laughing so hard watching Gilles LaTulippe in his comic splendor!

I crossed a major milestone in 2012 and my loving son and daughter in law spoiled me with a feast in their home…almost burned all my hair and their house to the ground blowing out all those damn candles…but hey, ya gotta have something eventful happen EVEN at my age!Oli et Virg march 2012

I`m also grateful to have such a great cousin and his parents…his son whom I love and thanks to that my cousin`s good choice in an amazing woman to be his wife…my friend and sister. Going to Oakville is like going back home to see mom and dad (Ma Tante Mae et Fred); my cousin  is like a protective brother, his father and mother in law feel like family to me too…yup, it`s that wise choice Wardy made again having that amazing wife in his life!Fall2005FamilyMaeFred_12

Rory

 I am thankful for many things but an Easter  holiday meal sticks to me,  with my special friends Annette and Yves.  I felt like I had rewound back the time machine last April…sitting with their children and grandchildren too…all of which treated me with as much fondness and kindness as a blood relative… how I am rich with loving people in my life!

2012 Spring came in with thunder and fury in other parts of my life…my mixed emotions wrapped me up with much grief and sadness for a while.  It`s almost like the Great Spirit was telling me to take a break and do some Spring cleaning in my life.   And yet, with difficult journeys to cross often come insightful lessons along the way…IF you are open to explore and discover.  And on this bumpy road, I journeyed…but never ever alone.

I learned that to err and be human is okay…to forgive myself is okay…to embrace the arms that want to hold me may be new and strange…but oh so comforting!  And so I allowed special people to enter my life (a few colleagues and former colleagues) support me so I don`t fall, hold me so I don`t break and nurture me so the soul does not starve.  Let me not forget those few special colleagues and a few supervisors along the way that showed compassion and embraced me many times with their flexibility and their concern…You know who you are…merci!

I am blessed to have young and not so young peeps in my life who often walked into my life at the right moment…do I really believe in coincidence?  Well, call it what you want…destiny?…fate?  Nah, it`s simply being open to explore and relish in the comfort of amazing folks…Merci mes amies!

I have fond memories of L**** making a French braid in the kitchen at work one evening.  You listened to my story and did not flee when those tears flowed…ah, the comforting feeling of having someone fix your hair…mom did this so often…how I miss her too.  Oh! And A***** those talks where we both shared profound stories on relationships and life.  Let`s not forget that little trip up North…not too far North however, far enough to get me lost…ahahaha.

My dearest “Sainte Annette”  who took me into her home many many times; Olivier and his girlfriend {who seems more like a daughter to me}, allowed me to share many many Wednesday evenings …little did they know at that time how much those soft ball games and chats with Virg fed my soul with the right amount of love and wellness that this recipe was for emotional healing.  Thank you.

bill trying to find a spotTheir pets became my kids to hug and love…my days pet sitting became a part of my final recovery and

to be completed with a week at my favourite Bed & Breakfast  A & Y, me and annettewith Annette me in dress annette made for mewho taught me to hope again. Spending hours watching her sew with loving patient hands, was like a communion of sorts…how warm and memorable that was for me. I so enjoyed those talks…

I learned that the simplest things in life can mend a broken heart…a loving friend (wife, mother, grandmother, sister) creating a masterpiece out of sheer genius = love + creativity…que tu es bonne pour moi!

I discovered from watching a great Italian chef for a few days in her kitchen was a revelation of sorts…learning how this donna bella put so much time, love and patience in her cookery…for her family, for her friends.  We spent hours commiserating in her kitchen, smelling spices…then feasting on decadence …but that was not merely due to the our tastes buds being quenched but feeling the love among this family sharing a meal…they too embraced my presence as I did theirs.  Thanks, Maria for making me laugh, allowing me space to cry and even debriefing some of our calls that we often don`t get around to at work…I too am a better person with you in my life.

I am thankful for having an understanding and amazing friend, Lise L.,  who coached me and sometimes scolded me to think more about me…so many comforting and soothing phone visits with this remarkable woman, friend, former colleague…I only got to visit in person twice in her home and once in hospital…but those moments were not spared of laughter, deep conversations and mind provoking discourses.

Thanks for all your love and support, I recovered and discovered a new me…I learned to be selfish and love myself anew and want to listen to my inner voice…Hey! I deserve to be happy and maybe it`s time to make time for me also as a woman …a human being…and not only a mother, a counsellor or volunteer and to add more spice and everything nice (sorry for the chiché…groan!) in my life.

I started with baby steps……got me a cat at a rescue shelter last September who I renamed Bette, my mom’s anglo name.  We tiptoed around each other for a few months and now she is one heck of an affectionate love purring machine! Once we were a

wpid-20130102_175917.jpg

good match, I found I was still lacking a little something-something…started dating again…that will be for another blog…stay tuned:)543447_283899118392016_782678981_n

When the soul heals, the heart opens…I am grateful I am giving this journey another chance…and enjoying it day by day, sometimes one hour at a time…and just being.

Happy New Year friends, family and colleagues…you know who you all are…some live far faraway  and some are very close by while others are just in between here and thereJ…thank you for touching my heart…my soul.

I hope to carry some of my new found wisdom over to 2013…and look forward to taste and savour life…

P.S. I`m thankful for friends who make me laugh, who listen when I need to talk and who are not disturbed when I need to shed some tears.  I know I have not named everyone here are a few who have touched my soul….Jason for being a friend as well as a great manager and knowing  how to separate the two, Debbie, Nicole, Pat, Pat T., Patrcia, Maria, Annie, Virg, Olivier, Annette,  Alain, Yves, Val L, Marie, Regine, Laurence, Andréanne, Huguette, Diane, Dianne, Peggy, Jacques, Lise, Bea, JennyO, Michelle D & G, Janice, Réal, Tante Gisele, Noémie, Fred, Aunt Mae, Armand,  Karen, Ward, Rory, Edward, Robin:), Anthony…umm, I guess I AM like Scotia Bank “I`m richer than I thought!!”

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Il me semble que j’ai écrit un blog il n’y a pas trop longtemps souhaitant une bonne et heureuse année à tout le monde… mais en fait  une année au complet est passée…wow!

OMG (Oh My God!) comme le temps passe vite! Oui, je sais que nous disons cela souvent; particulièrement,  les personnes âgées comme moi.   Enfin, je voudrais prendre quelques instants (lignes) pour partager quelques impressions que j’ai apprises en cours de route.

Cette dernière année a commencé avec une énergie positive. J’ai passé du temps avec de bons amis en Ontario et au Québec pour fêter mon anniversaire .

À Toronto, nous sommes 3 femmes extraordinaires {euh, ouais, cela m’inclus aussi :D} qui tentent de maintenir une tradition en célébrant nos anniversaires de naissance.  Il y a Princesse Leja qui a son anniversaire en novembre, Bella Donna en Janvier et moi en mars,  la Maman de Toronto ou Trésor (comme Bella Donna m’appelle souvent) …maria me and Bea

Euh, rembobinez le disque s’il vous plaît …((((((((((((( rewind))))))))))) À mon arrivée à Toronto, un ami très cher, un collègue et drôle de personnage… Pat ,{ comme à la télé,  Saturday Night Live, je vous laisse deviner si cette personne est un gars ou une fille :D} est venu me rencontrer dès mon arrivé.

J’avais pris l’autobus de nuit Montréal-Toronto pour gagner du temps, mais ne pensant pas à la cubature de mon dos (Ayoy!!) … mais ça me donne plus d’occasion de  profiter de mes journées parmi ma famille et mes amis.

Pat m’a rencontré au terminus ,(se déplacer pour moi durant un congé de son travail!). Pat m’a traiter à un brunch incroyable …quel délice!   Bien que la nourriture fût bonne, je dois dire, les histoires que cette personne partage ont fait travailler mes côtes et les muscles abdominal tant que j’ai ri!  Oui, Pat aurait fait des millions $$$ sur le programme de télé, Saturday Night Live simplement en partageant quelques histoires et anecdotes de sa vie.

Je dois dire que je suis reconnaissante pour les gens qui me font rire, qui m’ont écouté et encourager, et pour ceux et celles que ne sont pas déranger quand j’avais besoin de verser des larmes.

Et L****, tu te souviens la dernière fois tu m’ a offert ton écoute…en me faisant une belle tresse française…travailler dans les cheveux est aussi thérapeutique, comme maman me faisait si souvent…qu’elle me manque!  Et A**** nos échanges très profondes sur les relations et la vie. Notre petite balade dans le Nord…mais pas trop loin mais assez que je me perds…ahahaha

Je suis heureuse aussi,  d’avoir transformé une relation de travail  à une relation profonde et sincère. Tu te reconnais sûrement ma belle M***** et je dirais même que cette amitié est quasiment fraternelle.  marie wedding oct 20 2012 and meNous devions avoir quelque chose de très proche dans une vie antérieure.   Le penses-tu aussi?  Quelle joie de partager ton nouvel amour et la préparation de cette célébration de cet union… Oh que le shopping pour ta robe et accessoires tel que des morceaux plus intimes…ahaha, tu te souviens que je prenais des photos sur mon mobile pour ton approbation de dites items…ahahah  good times, good times !!   Et, tout cela en  faisant partie de ton enthousiasme exubérant m’a apparue comme une bonne douillette m’emmitouflant  avec ton amour pour la vie et ton amoureux 😀 ;  ET,  t’a  même laissé des miettes de pains minuscules tout au long de ce trajet, Merci M!!… des miettes d’’espoir … des miettes pour me faire croire en amour de nouveau.

J’ai franchi une étape majeure en 2012 et mon cher fils et belle-fille aimante m’ont gâté avec une célébration pour mon anniversaire de naissance à leur maison … où j’ai presque brûlé mes cheveux et leur maison en soufflant sur toutes ces maudites bougies !! Il y en avait dont ben !!   mais bon, il doit arriver quelque chose spectaculaire de temps en temps, MÊME à mon âge!

Ma belle H**** huguette 2011 dec 29qui ma accueillit pour mon anniversaire et bien d’autres soirées…merci pour ton écoute, me faire rire et m’avoir accompagné l’or de notre visite à Drummond…D**** et moi nous avons jaser comme des ados jusqu’aux `tits heures du matin ! Qu’on a ri comme des bonnes au spectacle de Gilles LaTulippe dans son humour magnifique!

Je suis reconnaissante d’avoir un cousin gentille ainsi ses parents, son fils que j’aime  ET, mon cousin qui a choisi une si bonne épouse, qui est devenue mon amie comme une sœur ; aller à Oakville,  c’est comme aller « chez nous » pour voir maman et papa (Ma Tante Mae et Fred) leur fils, mon  frère protecteur, son beau-père et sa belle-Rorymère aussi qui m’accueillent toujours comme le leur … eh oui, c’est  que Wardy a fait un choix judicieux en incluant cette femme et sa famille dans sa vie!

Je suis comblée d’avoir pu partager et de célébrer des repas de fêtes extraordinaires avec des amis fabuleux,  Annette et Yves. Je me sentais comme si je rembobinais arrière d’une machine à temps (time machine) .

.. assis avec leurs enfants et petits-enfants … qui m’ont accueilli avec tendresse autant comme si je serais de la famille pour vraie ! … my oh my, comme je suis riche d’avoir des amis si aimants dans ma vie.  Quel plaisir!

Printemps 2012  est arrivé avec tonnerre et fureur dans d’autres parties de ma vie,.. mes sentiments bouleversants m’ont enveloppé avec beaucoup de chagrin et de tristesse pour un certain temps. On dirait que le Grand Créateur me disait de prendre une pause et faire un ménage du printemps dans ma vie.  Et pourtant, avec les voyages difficiles à traverser les leçons pertinentes viennent souvent en cours de route … SI,  vous êtes ouvert à explorer et à découvrir.

J’ai appris que l’erreur et d’être humain c’est ben correct ; me pardonner, c’est très bien aussi … de m’entourer des bras qui veulent me tenir même si c’est nouveau et étrange …c’est tellement consolant! Et si j’ai le droit d’avoir des gens spéciaux pour entrer dans ma vie (quelques collègues et anciens collègues) me soutenir et je n `automne, serre-moi si je n` ai cassé et me nourrir si l’âme ne meurt pas de faim.

Je suis choyée d’avoir des gens, jeunes et moins jeunes dans ma vie qui sont arrivé souvent dans ma vie au bon moment … dois-je vraiment croire à la coïncidence? Eh bien, appelez ça comme vous voulez … le destin? … Non, je crois que je suis enfin ouvert à explorer et à savourer dans le confort et délisse de ces gens incroyables … Merci mes amis!

Mon amie, Annette qui m’a accueilli dans sa maison;  annette and me sept 15th2012Yves, qui a pris soins de mon véhicule à plusieurs reprises pour me dépanner; mon Olivier et son choix judicieux d’une partenaire! aa belle Virginie , qui est devenue comme
ma fille, m’ont permis de partager de nombreux mercredis soirs après ma thérapie à la clinique … ils ne se
Oli et Virg march 2012doutaient à l’époque à quel point que ces jeux de balle molle et ces causeries avec Virg, m’ont nourrit l’âme avec leurs cœurs généreux et le bien-être qui se produisait de cette bonne recette de bonté ; c’était un genre de guérison émotionnelle. Je vous remercie mes enfants!

Leurs animaux de compagnie sont bill trying to find a spotdevenus mes enfants à flatter et à aimer  … mes journées en gardant les animaux sont devenues en partie  ma consolation et que finalement en séjournant chez mon Bed & Breakfast  A & Y favori … Annette qui m’a appris à espérer et donner la vie une chance.  J’ai passé des heures en l’a regardant coudre avec des mains caressantes   et patientes ;  c’était un genre de communion de sortes … comme ces moments chaleureux et inoubliables me in dress annette made for medemeurent chers en moi. J’ai tellement aimé  nos entretiens, parlant de la vie et les relations humaines.

J’ai appris que les choses les plus simples peuvent réparer un cœur brisé … chez Maria une amie aimante (épouse, mère, grand-mère, sœur) la création d’un chef-d’œuvre d’un génie passionnée = amour + créativité = Annette … que tu es bonne pour moi!

J’ai découvert en regardant un grand chef italien pour quelques jours dans sa cuisine a été une révélation en quelque sorte … d’apprendre que cette bella donna a mis tant de temps, d’amour et de patience en cuisant  pour sa famille, pour ses amis. Nous passions des heures commisératif dans sa cuisine, les odeurs des épices … puis se régalant et dégustant … mais ce n’était pas seulement à cause de nos goûts étant éteint mais le sentiment de l’amour au sein de cette famille de partager un repas … Eux aussi embrassé ma présence que je leur fait.

Ma Bella Maria qui me fait rire, parfois nous partageons nos sentiments pour notre travail et notre famille.  Certains de mes collègues et superviseurs qui m’ont offert leur amitié et leurs soutiens.

Il ne faut pas oublié mon amie , Lise L*,  qui m’a coaché ​​pour que je pense plus à moi .tellement réconfortante et apaisante visites de téléphone avec une femme remarquable, une amie et ancien collègue … nous n’avions pas la chance de se voir souvent,  mais ces moments n’ont pas été épargnés des rires, des conversations profondes et les discours que provoquent l’esprit.

Merci à tous pour votre appuie et surtout votre amitié;  j’ai récupéré et je suis à la découverte un nouveau moi … J’ai appris à être égoïste et m’aimer à nouveau et que vous voulez écouter ma voix intérieure … Hé! Je mérite d’être heureux et peut-être c’est le moment de prendre le temps pour moi en tant que femme … et non  seulement une mère, une intervenante ou une bénévole,  pour ajouter plus de piquant dans ma vie.

J’ai commencé avec des pas de bébé en sauvant un chat dans une refuge…un coup qu’elle m’a accepté dans sa vie nous nous sommes devenue un nouveau couple qui se collait en masse:)  Mais il semblait manquer un `tit qqchose…j’ai commencé à sortir…eh oui, fréquenter un homme…à suivre dans un autre blog bien sûre!!:)543447_283899118392016_782678981_n

Quand l’âme guérit, le cœur s’ouvre … Je suis prêt à donner la vie une autre chance de me surprendre,  et de profiter d’un jour à la fois, parfois une heure à la fois …

Bonne Année mes amis, ma famille … vous savez qui vous êtes tous  … certains vivent très loin et certains sont plus prés… merci pour avoir touché mon cœur … mon âme.

J’espère  de transporter mes nouvelles connaissances et inspirations au cours de la nouvelle année 2013 ……

wpid-20130102_175917.jpgP.S. Merci au gens qui m’ont tendu la main, écouté, offert ta sagesse, ta flexibilité.  I sais que je n’ai pas nommé tous et toutes, mais bons en voici qquns:   Debbie, Nicole, Pat, Pat T., Patrcia, Maria, Annie, Virg, Olivier, Annette,  Alain, Yves, Val L, Marie, Regine, Laurence, Andréanne, Huguette, Diane, Peggy, Jacques, Lise, Bea, JennyO, Michelle D & G, Janice, Réal, Tante Gisele, Noémie, Fred, Aunt Mae, Armand,  Karen, Ward, Rory, Edward, Robin:), Anthony…umm,  Eh! c est comme l’annonce de la Banque Nouvelle Ecosse “Je suis plus riche que je pensais (“I`m richer than I thought!!)”

A haibun and a Dear Emma journal…just thinking on paper

 

It’s driving her bonkers visiting so many condos. She is working still but this new place should be affordable when she no longer works and accessible to basic needs. Public transportation must be achievable so she can still get around at all hours of the day and evening. She loves the city for the culture, education and so many interesting events. She loves to read and if her new location does not provide what she needs in books, she wants to be able to hop on a bus and go to her Alma mater, having access to it’s library.

visiting
searching
a place to call home

visiting
private homes
of strangers

searching
impossible dreams
peace of mine

a place to call home
yet, fearing isolation
single … not alone

(c) Tournesol ’19/10/30

Yesterday she heard a radio broadcast of a man who retired. He talked about how it was a terrible shock to him. She has been planning to write more and teach English part time on line or in person when she retires. She planned on volunteering doing group work like she did a few years ago but somehow she did not feel “at home” in community outreach programmes like she did in Toronto. Why was that? Was she tired of volunteering in the mental health world where she has worked for almost 4 decades, volunteering and working? Well, that would make sense. Even if she offered workshops, she knows she would still be drawn into their narratives that pull at the heartstrings.

And, to hear this man voice his misery with retirement, jolted her. She thought about the time when it will be an END…rather than her usually way of thinking that it will be a new beginning. Even if she got certified to teach last fall, she never really grasped the idea of cutting ties to workforce. She remembers not working for one year when the children were little and she found work to do from home to keep her sanity. Somehow, being productive AND connected to people was a need and not just a desire.

How did she get here? She has always talked about volunteering and working part time here and there to fill her time. She has relished the idea of going to a library or coffee shop with her laptop and writing to her heart’s content. And yet when it is a choice and something in the future, it looks like a dream come true. When it gets closer, it feels like a death sentence. Oh my, why is she seeing her future so bleak? Is it that time of year?

November approaching is like opening your heart and home to death. The only good thing about this month was her first child was born on the 7th. She feels herself slipping into the darkness of despair and numbness. Knowing it is going to happen; understanding the why’s and how’s makes it even more frustrating because that mood just takes control over her. It snickers and sometimes bellows at her weakness. It weighs on her like a heavy duvet with iron fists keeping her under, and all she can do is concentrate on breathing…waiting for a break in that dark sky. Until then, she will go through the motions…work three days a week; listening to the darkest stories from callers, searching for hope. She sometimes, feels like a hypocrite not being able to take her own advice. She can hear them, feel them, open her heart to them and engage them and help them get to a safer and lighter place even if it’s just for a night, one more day, one more week. If only she could have someone like that to do the same for her.

It is probably one of the toughest parts of being in the service profession. Police officers, first responders, nurses, physiotherapists, massage therapists, doctors, teachers and social service workers and any other outreach career, have the same risks of slipping. Some take comfort with their family, friends and balancing self-care. Others drink too much or eat too much. The things they see or hear are not things you can share and vent with a friend.

In Toronto she had a great therapist (doctor/masters in social work) covered by healthcare. She was even her doctor and her support was helpful and refreshing. Even her doctor would pick her brain on ideas for clients she had who were parents.

She doesn’t feel it really matters where you live. It is how she feels inside…the heart of any home is the soul of the person living there. The living space can be spotless or cluttered, shiny or dreary, quiet or noisy, it all depends on what is going on inside that person. However, lots of windows make a huge difference…just being able to look at the sky; looking out and also seeing life around her like pedestrians, cars, squirrels and chipmunks. Seeing life is vital…it is a connection to the living and she can relate more and more to older people she worked with years ago. She is minutes away from any of these persons now.

She so admired their energy and persistence to keep moving and staying involved with social events. She wonders what their secret was when that heavy duvet weighed them in the morning or when it hurt to move a muscle or hurt even more to open their eyes. She did get advice from her 90 yr old aunt one time. Roll out of bed, shuffle to the bath and run a nice hot bath to oil the joints; then you can move!
She does this on most mornings now.

Maybe she could learn from more retired people. Experience is worth its weight in gold…now she is feeling a bit more hopeful. Thanks, Emma, for listening.

Daily moments Oct 30 2019, clr